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theabsolute
@theabsolute
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2016-07-27 03:29
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Wallet
theabsolute
punchline
2023-02-11 14:25
If it flies it spies
With all this talk of spy balloons, wait until the people find out about the bird drones. #birdtruther
$ 0.664
22
theabsolute
punchline
2023-02-08 01:41
Morphin' Time
Me: Kids TV shows today are so corny. Kids TV shows from the 90's: hold my beer
$ 0.640
15
2
theabsolute
punchline
2023-02-04 07:59
Steaming Mad
theabsolute
punchline
2023-02-02 06:16
Eggsorbitant Grocery Prices
Had to scramble for more change
theabsolute
punchline
2023-01-27 04:25
Bump it up?
Everyday before grades are due: Day grades are due:
theabsolute
punchline
2023-01-24 05:00
Coming out of their shell
When your kid goes from crawling to walking: Happens so fast, it can be hard to see the stages of progression. At the same time, somehow almost painfully slow. Daughter just recently started walking with
theabsolute
punchline
2023-01-22 21:47
Dad Joke
The rain on their wedding day caused sodium and chlorine to break up. Still attracted to each other though. Isn't it ionic? Don't ya think?
theabsolute
punchline
2023-01-20 05:02
COVID curve
When those report cards come out: I'm blaming it on COVID-19, 20, 21, 22, and 23...
theabsolute
punchline
2023-01-15 02:09
And here's Tom with the Weather!
Reporting the news about the classified documents be like: (In reference to the title) "Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are
theabsolute
punchline
2023-01-11 05:24
Old "Meme"ories
Hope when I'm old I can tell my grandkids about what it was like growing up when I was young. Grandkids: Money used to be printed on paper? Like what we use for the toilet? Me: That's right kiddo! We also
theabsolute
punchline
2023-01-08 19:32
Hand-me-downs
Benefits of living on a hill: Free hand-me-downs! One man's trash is another man's treasure
theabsolute
punchline
2022-12-31 15:19
Echo T-800
Cyberdyne Systems prime delivery
theabsolute
punchline
2022-12-30 01:34
Egg Beaters
Price for a dozen eggs is too damn high. Eggscruciating pain, my wallet is taking a beating I know I'm going to sound old, but weren't eggs like a buck fifty for a dozen recently?
theabsolute
punchline
2022-12-26 05:50
AI Memes
Just doing some experimenting with A.I. and thought this was kinda funny. With chatGPT, thispersondoesnotexist, and I think the world as we know it is starting to change as we know it. What is school going
theabsolute
punchline
2022-12-21 20:22
Pajamas
Designing kids clothes has to be the easiest job in the world. Have you seen the "I like bread" pajamas? I think the designer just throws darts at a board and comes up with these ideas: I like...
theabsolute
punchline
2022-12-21 00:47
Turn it up to 11
Less than a week until Christmas be like:
theabsolute
punchline
2022-12-18 04:57
It's all about the delivery
Delivered! Tell us how we did. Umm, why do you need so much validation, Amazon? You did good, Amazon. Proud of you. Paper clips and tube socks arrived in pristine condition. No flaws. Amazing paper clips.
theabsolute
punchline
2022-12-16 00:55
Still need those TPS reports by Monday Morning
At work vs. at work Christmas party be like:
theabsolute
punchline
2022-12-12 03:29
If Home Alone were real
Driving to the airport, packed and ready to go on Christmas vacation and realize you forgot your kid Roll credits
theabsolute
punchline
2022-12-09 02:30
Festivus Miracle
Grievances, I have a few But airing them is what I must do To find strength and move forward And achieve great feats, like a sword start with that meatloaf you made It was tough and not well-braided And
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