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theabsolute
@theabsolute
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2016-07-27 03:29
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Wallet
theabsolute
punchline
2022-12-03 23:00
Seasonal Surface Area
When you try to calculate how many Christmas lights you need to buy
$ 0.533
21
3
theabsolute
punchline
2022-12-02 04:19
In through the chimney then out the window
When you get your kids gifts they don't use, but "it's from Santa" so who cares 🤷♂️
$ 0.526
23
5
theabsolute
punchline
2022-11-26 18:50
Lightens the workload
When you hire the pros to put up the Christmas Lights
theabsolute
punchline
2022-11-24 14:48
Heard there was a sale for Timothy Hay
Can't wait until the day after Thanksgiving so we can go back to being ungrateful for everything we have
theabsolute
punchline
2022-11-22 21:39
Sky High Rent
With how advanced everything was in The Jetsons, it's kind of interesting to see them still using dollars instead of some sort of digital currency. Even if his wallet has some hundreds in there, that's
theabsolute
punchline
2022-11-21 03:36
Better than working at Twitter
When you get a look at FTX in due diligence period
theabsolute
punchline
2022-11-19 03:33
Grade school wingman
When you try to talk to your kid about building confidence and having a girlfriend so he can experience his first kiss and he says that he had his first kiss already in kindergarten. Time really flies
theabsolute
punchline
2022-11-17 22:41
Tis the seasoning
Candle? Check Pumpkin Spice? Check They love it a latte
theabsolute
punchline
2022-11-14 22:48
Didn't Learn That in School
When the class finds the teacher's OnlyFans page
theabsolute
punchline
2022-11-14 05:23
Truth about D.A.R.E.
When they used to teach you about drugs in school
theabsolute
punchline
2022-11-12 12:48
Not getting another tardy
Getting your kids to school on time always be like:
theabsolute
punchline
2022-11-07 00:53
You call that a knife?
Guys showing off be like:
theabsolute
punchline
2022-10-25 00:37
Running Slowly, Too Many Windows Open?
When you're waiting to download the latest update before your car will start
theabsolute
punchline
2022-10-23 21:37
They need to bee have
When your kid kicks a wasp nest
theabsolute
punchline
2022-10-22 13:06
Morning Meltdown
How my wife and I feel when we don't have coffee in the morning
theabsolute
punchline
2022-10-16 00:27
They are out of line
When you take your car to get a tire fixed and they tell you you also need an alignment. Me: nah My car:
theabsolute
punchline
2022-10-09 21:35
The Absolute Streetwear
After seeing the success of Supreme and Cactus Plant Flea Market, I think I need to get into my own Streetwear company This is what I'm thinking for my first run. Shirts arrive preshrunk (because they
theabsolute
punchline
2022-10-07 23:17
Ronald McDonald's Favorite Costume
I'm Lovin' it
theabsolute
punchline
2022-10-01 00:14
Fish out of Water
This is what Mario must have felt like getting hit by those flying cheep cheeps
theabsolute
punchline
2022-09-25 04:11
Kill it with fire
Opossums are like the redheaded stepchild of the raccoon family
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