Yesterday, on my way back from work, I broke down in the bus and let a tear or two slip from my eyes. I felt horribly and utterly alone and I was silently screaming for someone to truly see me.
When I got home and was able to wrangle myself away from my family, I locked my bedroom door and finally let it all out. It felt like I had been holding in all that tears for years which is true. love. You see, I read this quote somewhere that happiness is like a butterfly. It's elusive whenever you try to catch it but when you turn your attention to other things, it settles gently on your shoulder.
A week ago, I met a stranger on Snapchat. I have always heard of how Snapchat is a crazy place where people hooked up and did crazy things. It was always said that you could never meet genuine people on Snapchat. It was either they were after your body or your money, so I was really conscious of the requests I accepted. When this stranger sent me a request on Snapchat, I did a quick profile check. His public profile pic showed a full bearded, chocolate skinned handsome man. His stories were decent and aesthetic. He had a vibe I liked; very mocha. So, I accepted his request.
The next day, he sent a text “You are single?” after watching a story I posted. I am a stickler for etiquette and courtesy, so when he sent that text, I was thrown off. And I immediately had to correct him gently to which he apologized. He introduced himself and the conversation flowed. We talked about a whole lot and I discovered he was abroad. This also added spice to our conversation because I was quite curious about the norms and lives of Nigerians abroad.
For two days, we kept talking. He had a dry sense of humor and seemed like he genuinely wanted to know me. One evening, he told me he wanted a serious relationship with me and alarms started ringing loudly in my head. From where to where? A serious relationship with someone you had never met before? Someone you might not meet for a year or two? How was it possible? And it was Snapchat too. This made the bells ring harder.
But, I was actually curious and wanted to see where this would go. I had seen and heard of love stories that started from a single text on a social media app. I had seen couples reunited after a long online distance relationship. I craved the yearning and genuine happiness they felt when they finally met each other. A hopeless romantic like me wished for something like that and I thought that if this person was real, maybe this could be my chance, the final break.
So, we kept the conversation going. I had so many doubts and concerns that finally my cynical side kicked in. I noticed that he hadn't asked for my number. He never offered to move the conversation off Snapchat where messages disappeared. He could go off for hours and I wouldn't be able to reach him. And if by chance, I had to go off Snapchat, there was no way we would reach each other. So, I voiced these concerns to him.
And he dismissed it with the reply, “I want you to be my woman'“ like that was meant to be enough for me. I couldn't see the efforts for someone who was “looking” for a serious relationship which was long-distance for that matter. And I hated the fact that he couldn't address these concerns. I hated that I was this upset at him and I realized that I had gotten attached to this random stranger who knew me in a way. I realized how lonely I must have been all these years of singleness to have fallen for a stranger that I might never meet.
So, I mentally started packing up my things when I had barely even settled and I told him whatever he wanted wouldn't be possible. I hated the ease with which he accepted my leaving. I hated that once again, my heart had embarked on a dead-end journey. I hated that I was this lonely and desperate to love and be loved. I hated that I so desperately needed to feel truly known. I hated that I longed so much for this happiness that kept eluding me. I couldn't stop longing for it. I didn't know how to. So, how would it settle gently on my shoulders? And on the bus home, the tears softly broke through.
One thing i am really sure of is that I will still be here waiting for that elusive butterfly to settle, even though my arms are tired of reaching.
All images are mine
