I am going home for my birthday. Home in Romania, more exactly in the capital, where I used to live and still actually own a flat. I lived there 17 years so I had the chance to meet wonderful human beings that I call them my friends. Among all of them there is a group of girls. We are 6 and we created a facebook group to continually chat about girlish nonsense. We are so different and still so alike. We met in a personal development group so many years ago and little things glue as together and we are still able to share our secrets and most importantly our fears, our disappointments, our hurts and our heals.
I hope everyone here has this kind of group of amazing friends where you can speak your mind and don't be afraid that they will judge the entire you base on one single idea. Long story short, I am heading home in January and we planed a kind of a pyjamas party with home cooked vegan dinner and wine. Well the plan was fine until few days ago when my sister decided to join me for my birthday in Bucharest. My family is still living in NE Romania, close to the mountains. I promised my sis that we will go to the spa on Saturday and invite her to come join me on my friend house (mine is rented) for the weekend.
Great but this morning I realized that I will not be able to stay so long on that Friday as Saturday I was starting the day very early (for a holiday), so I came with the proposition to go all of us to a restaurant that i used to like. That restaurant has also a separate space where we can enjoy being out but on the same time just us. All good so cheerful as a bird i put the proposal on the table (facebook group).
Well it was one of those days when apparently Mercury is retrograde (means nothing to me but a lot to my friends) so all of a sudden i realized that was the worst proposal ever. SO yes, I have created a certain type of expectations I am fully aware of that. But as I human being, aka imperfect, I realized that I am entitle to change my mind. Unfortunately my change of mind started a hurricane and a lot of unresolved issues appeared and showed their ugly face. We had an entire day of contradictions, pointing fingers and showing in full view the unflattering side of our personalities. All this into our confined safe space. I must admit that i even had a moment when I just wanted to give up the idea of a party at all as is was to much unnecessary pressure and nerves.
My Monday was busy as hell, but somehow I found the moments to text them back and to be surprised on how human beings can sometimes have very weird reactions from nowhere. I read back the trail of messages to try figure out what was the most important wound I was steeping on. I believe somehow my words did not transmit them that they are important figures in my life. That I do care a lot about them and I cannot wait to see them. They were just able to pick up the opposite. That my time allocation for them is limited and that I they will need to adjust if they want to see me.
Now the hurricane calmed down, we are back to friendly and lovely feelings. But oh boy did I learned that no matter what you do, we all have bad days. If more than one girl (2-3) are in a bad mood for a completely different matter you may end up in a bad mood, because is the easiest way. I dont react anymore as easy as before, but I am still puzzled and I dont know how to help or put things together. I am really concerned and as much as I tried to be assertive I still kind of runaway of people in stormy mood :)
The good news is we managed to stick together after all. I hope that Mercury comes to its senses and does not become retrograde pretty soon, as my friends are quite sensitive to it. Or to the moon, or to the days that are the shortest in the year. I breath in and out and cherish them in my heart. I love them with the stormy moods and mercury issues. Even that sometimes we might fall apart and then I will need to love them separably from the distance. Today I feel like after the hero journey into the woods of darkness and I am so glad that he come back to the light. We are light with all our dark moments.
Big hugs to all and to me,
Teodora
PS: Me and the ladies in Alberobello