Sometimes, the fear of a thing is way scarier than the thing itself.
Yesterday reminded me of the above truth. After what felt like endless postponements of my seminar defense, I finally defended.
When I walked into the room, I walked in with my heart pounding and my palms sweaty. I could feel my vocal cords burning, ready to let out quavering words due to how nervous I was. In my head, I imagined the worst. I painted terrifying images of the panelists descending on each presenter like hawks, tearing apart works they don’t find interesting, asking questions from page numbers we probably didn’t even know existed, and making us regret ever enrolling in a Nigerian university in the first place. Because, let’s be honest, the reputation of defenses here is not exactly soothing. Most times, it feels less like an academic exercise and more like a witch hunt.
But to my surprise, it wasn’t like that at all. My panelists were NICE. Yes, you read that right, nice!
They weren’t trying to roast us alive. They weren’t rude or unnecessarily harsh. They corrected us with kindness, asked thoughtful questions, and guided us like teachers who genuinely wanted us to succeed. I almost looked around to check if I was in the right hall, because this was rare. Very rare especially considering the fact that one of the panel members was my seminar adviser and I’ve known him to be extremely intolerable.
At that moment, I realized how much unnecessary fear I had been carrying. All the sleepless nights, the stomach flips, the “what if I forget everything” panic, all of it melted away as soon as they asked me to take it slow before my speech. The defense wasn’t perfect, but it flowed. And when I was done, I felt fulfilled. Like I had just conquered a mountain that had been daring me for months.
The truth is, life has a funny way of magnifying our fears. We spend so much time imagining fire-breathing dragons, only to show up and find out they’re just kittens (okay, maybe kittens with sharp claws, but still kittens)lol. What we think will destroy us often turns out to refine us.
And my little encouragement to anyone reading this is that whatever “defense” you’re facing, whether it’s a presentation, an exam, a job interview, or even a tough conversation, don’t let fear paralyze you. Show up anyway. The “panelists” of life may not be as cruel as you imagine. And even if they are, you’ll walk away stronger, knowing you faced it.
Yesterday, I walked out of that room feeling lighter, braver and oddly grateful for the experience. And now, I can finally say it, I defended, I survived and my edges stayed intact.(although I changed my mind on my hairstyle). Now, I guess I’m on to the next chapter.
That said, I’m sharing this here because Hive feels like my little digital diary, where I can save moments. I know I can always come back here, scroll down, and relive the memory, anxieties, laughter, sweaty palms and all. It’s just one of the things I love about blogging here. I love that it’s not just about writing, but about archiving pieces of my journey for the future me.
You read this far? I love you🌸
