The past 24 hours have been shit. Between feeling out of place in my own community and discovering I have to figure out a new way to withdraw money, I got nothing done work-wise, and have been mostly sitting here, feeling wildly sorry for myself.
This isn't the first time. Living with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and PTSD is never really fun, but most days I forget them. Too busy being me. But sometimes those fuckers take over, screaming in my head that I am worthless, talentless, pathetic and useless to the world. And I have no way to silence them.
So I just deal the way I deal. I type up my thoughts. And where else will I type?
Accept
The first part is accepting that this day is shit, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's not my fault Visa are dicks toward cryptocard issuers. It's not my fault that every group larger than 10 people will develop some kind of drama in under a week.
Shit happens. Feces occur. Manure takes place.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
But my brain fights it. Old broken templates of response and action turn the anger at me and refuse to see the truth. Even if it's so obvious to me that I am not to blame, I can't shake the feeling like it is. Like I am the one who erred and caused the situations that pain me.
Forgive
My levels of productivity today have been an embarrassment. Feeling overwhelmed, I dealt with it like a coward and went to sleep for half the day. There's nothing I hate myself for more than wasted time and lack of productivity. And it's that self-loathing that often throws me into the land of anxiety, where productivity is not possible.
Sure, some things ARE my fault. I've made mistakes, neglected people who did not deserve the cold shoulder and kinda lost myself in between. But without forgiving myself for going easy on myself and for making mistakes like any other mortal - all I can do is suffer.
Look forward, step aside
So this day is shit, and it's not my fault. It's also fine that I cry, whine, bitch and hate everything so much I rather just sleep than live my life today. But dwelling on the shittiness of the situation right now will give me nothing. Sure, it's what my brain TRIES to do, but it's ineffective and stupid, bringing me back into the cycle of feeling overwhelmed by life and hating myself for it.
All I can do now if snuggle up with some common mild-altering substances (booze and weed), and let it pass. If I must, I can make task-lists for tomorrow, write my thoughts of steemit (hi) and distract my brain till it stops being such a bitch toward me.
Three simple steps. Sounds easy, right? It really really isn't.
Sorry for the venting and ranting, but I kinda needed to get this out of me.