We had friends of mine visit yesterday for tortillas and a catchup, as it has again been ages since we have met. Yet, the same conversation always arises - we should do this more often.
So why don't we?
As I have said recently, I am going to pay more attention to being socially intentional in various ways. Not only am I going to organise and push for more social engagements, I am also going to work on becoming more socially engaging. As I have said earlier, while I was very social earlier and had high social ability, since the stroke that has changed, where I feel less comfortable and far less engaging. In many ways, my behaviour mimics that of an autistic, who becomes single-minded and monopolises the conversation. The difference is, I recognise that I am doing this (most of the time) and still struggle to pullback on the lever.
What was interesting in the conversation is that one of the friends was talking about how much she dislikes talking to strangers now, but she doesn't believe that it is because she has conditioned herself to be this way. She sees it as "good sense". She also was shocked that another friend in the group, rather than emailing or messaging, makes phone calls directly to colleagues to talk to them. She mentioned how she is uncomfortable on the phone these days.
People in their mid-forties.
It was an interesting conversation that broached many aspects of life, but on my own high-horse, I brought up how unnatural it is for us to sit around all day, then get home to the couch, and sit around again for the evening, staring at screens. Our parents didn't do this almost at all, so their daily life was a mix of diverse movement. We are static, and then we are complaining about the aches and pains and the pinched nerves (the person who doesn't like phone calls has been on pain killers for the last fortnight with a pinched nerve in her back).
Our daily life doesn't promote our wellbeing.
But it should, shouldn't it?
Because the problem with daily life that doesn't, means that in order to correct the problems we create through it, requires more intervention, with medications, surgeries, and what ever other ways we try to reduce the discomfort. For most of us it seems, our daily life is constant low-level stress on our body of the type that weakens it, rather than strengthens it over time. And it is the same for our many of our social interactions, where instead of being engaging and rewarding, they are largely transactional, with little depth.
As I was saying to my friends yesterday, we live in such a curated experience, that we are able to avoid the things that make us uncomfortable, whether that be content or conversation, people or personality. And the more we create a safe flow of experience, the less comfortable we become with any kind of deviation from what we know. This is how we are wired - we seek security in the familiar. Anything random, anything off our expectation, becomes a negative experience.
And this is also why we don't meet as often.
For years, I would see these people multiple times a week, in cafés, bars, and hungover on a Sunday to discuss the previous evening. Yet, while we are all in more mature kinds of roles now as parents, the reason we don't meet isn't time or distance, it is that we don't make the effort, because making an effort is uncomfortable. We like each other, we have a good time every time we meet, but it is "less secure" than sitting on the couch. Meeting with friends has a hurdle to it, and even though the bar is very, very low, it is still higher than doing nothing.
Make it easy.
This is one of the core rules of changing a habit, where the sequence to start the new habit should be very easy. Like if a person wants to go to the gym more, they set up their routine to do so, with gym clothes ready to put on as soon as walking in the door, and a gym that is very close by. No stop between - just start the sequence and follow through until at the gym. Once there, our mind says "I am here now, may as well do something".
But for many people these days, lifestyle is so easy that it is incredibly hard to make things that are a little more challenging to do, easier. It is far easier to sit down on the couch before putting the gym clothes on and watching TV. It is far easier to order a pizza that takes 30 minutes to arrive, than take five minutes to make a salad, or fifteen for a meal. Everything is so conveniently at our fingertips, that it *can't be easier.
But the things that matter, the things that increase our skills, the things that improve our wellbeing and general experience in life, are not at our fingertips. They are somewhere less convenient, less comfortable, and require effort. This incudes spending time with friends. Or for many these days, making some friends.
A better life, is not a more comfortable life.
Now, that obviously comes with caveats depending on individual conditions, but I think you understand the sentiment in the statement. The things that matter to us, the things we value - require our attention, our effort, our investment. It doesn't matter what it is, it is going to cost us some kind of resource, and we don't like paying the cost for anything. But in this world of convenience, we can be fed without that sense of loss, because we can sit in front of a screen and just consume.
We ate well. Laughed. Discussed Life. And hugged.
Life doesn't get much better.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
And for a human, inaction is a passive action.
There is always a cost.
Taraz
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