It's been almost a year since I had a stroke, and while it has impacted upon my life with incredible force, overall, I guess I am doing okay with it - which is kind of weird. Every moment of every day, my brain still has this voice reminding me of what I have lost and each moment, there is this dullness in response, where I just kind of push it aside with a mental shoulder shrug, since there is nothing that can be done. And, I am not sure if this is empowering, or depressing.
Loss.
It is something we all fear, but usually we think of it from the perspective of losing something outside of ourselves, but the scariest part of life, is losing part of ourselves and knowing that we will never have it again. For instance, a colleague at work today was talking about how when he was young he was good at basketball, but the last time he played after a decade long break, he was terrible and his body just can't do what it once did. He is 26.
How do you think he is going to feel about his skills in another two decades down the road of life, after responsibilities have really kicked in to take his time and by extension, his skills, flexibility and motivation? Do people really understand what loss is, or is it true that - you don't know know what you've got, until it is gone.
What you had.
When I lose it all, I hope that what is left from me is enough to look after my family. I don't know how much they will need, yet I do know that it is going to have to be more than I have got at the moment and if the world gets more volatile as I suspect it will, it is going to take more than I am doing at the moment.
Live every day as if it is your last, and one day you will be right.
It is good to be right at least once in life, or in death - but isn't it selfish to live each day this way, if it is going to be detrimental to those we care about when they are going to be here the day after? To me, it seems the epitome of selfishness to spend all the time living only for what takes the fancy of the individual, but this is not necessarily what the you only live once life implies.
While we can live only for our own desires, we could also spend that time in service to something that benefits others too. Me working for my family is a selfish act also, it just isn't one that only satisfies my needs. Right now, this is also the easier thing to do for myself perhaps - because I don't even know what I want anymore.
In some way, the stroke for me has been kind of like waking up with some kind of amnesia, where I know what I used to like and want, but those things don't necessarily interest me anymore. It is like remembering that chocolate ice cream is my favorite, tasting it , and then realizing that it doesn't hit the spot anymore. It is a strange feeling to be so disconnected from one's own personal preferences, but I still realize that regardless of my personal confusion for my own life, I have clarity on what I want for that of my family - or at least, what I want to be able to provide for them.
This might be my last day, which also makes it my last opportunity to provide for my family and yes, while it is also the last opportunity to spend time with them, if I do live the "last day" daily and only spend time with them as I would want, when that last day really does arrive, what will I leave behind for them?
All of these last days are going to have to be balanced, aren't they - just in case it isn't the last day after all and I end up living for another ten, twenty or fifty years. Because if that happens, not only will my family be screwed after that final day, they will be screwed all the way leading up to it too, as I would have failed to provide for them. I don't think they will be happier having me around more, if it means constant financial struggle and while they might wish for different once I am gone, during my lifetime, I would prefer to see them flourish and I would prefer to feel that whatever I am doing, is helping them to do so, now and in whatever the future holds.
My head really is weird these days and rather than another near-death experience telling me to seize the day and do what makes me happy, it has just been a reminder that I have a limited time and skill to provide for them and at some point - any potential I have to improve their lives, will be gone.
As said, I am not sure if that is empowering or depressing, but I think that one of the reasons that death is so valuable, is that it puts an expiry date on what we can do, so we are forced to choose the best we can, with every choice coming with the cost of not being able to do a myriad other things. Life is scarce and therefore valuable and while we will all lose our life eventually, choosing how and why we live it is our own choice and every choice we make, whether it is to satisfy ourselves or provide for others, is made in our own self-interest.
I guess a good life is like a good investment - it compounds interests.
Mine and theirs.
What I have found in regards to my work and investment practices is that doing it for myself is far less valuable and far more difficult, than doing it for my family. Perhaps it is that having a family provides a compounded meaning to change and improve behavior, as well as the responsibility and sense of obligation to stay motivated and active. It doesn't make it easier to do, but it might increase resilience enough to do it anyway.
Taraz
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