Smallsteps played about two minutes in total during the hour and half long concert today, but she was super happy about having gone through it. As said earlier, she was nervous to perform in front of so many people, but it ended up being little drama once she was separated from us and in her place with the other performers.
After a couple days of a lot of practice, the concert ran pretty smoothly, but it was interesting to see the split in performers. For instance, piano players were 80% female. Guitarists were 90% male. flutists were 90% female. The choir was all female. And there were about 100 violinists, leaning more to the female side probably.
People have their preferences.
I almost fell asleep.
It is not because I dislike classical music or orchestras, because I actually like them a lot, but something has changed. I first noticed it a couple years ago when we went to a philharmonic orchestra performance with friends and I literally fell asleep. It was very embarrassing, and I had to make up some excuse later of not sleeping well, but it wasn't that. I don't know what it was.
I didn't know.
I think I do now. Because as that familiar feeling of can't keep my eyes open washed over me, I forced myself to pay attention to the music, but just couldn't. So, I started trying to pay attention to what my mind was doing and found an interesting result that wasn't unexpected, but I hadn't really thought through in this way before.
As I have mentioned before, I no longer visualize much unless I actively build the picture, and this creates a problem with classical music. For example, one of my favorite pieces to listen to since I was young, is "Summer" from Vivaldi's Four Seasons. There is something about the piece that connected with me and entranced me in some way. However, classical music is a bit like abstract art, it is in the eye of the beholder, and I don't have the eye to behold anymore.
What seems to be happening is that when I start listening to classical music (and maybe all music without words, but haven't tested it yet), there is nothing for my brain to visualize. If I create something, it is completely artificial in the sense that there is no spontaneous thought that arises, as the only input is from a non-descript sound. This means that my brain can try and work to build something, but it doesn't really connect with what it is hearing well, so it is a lot of energy for nothing. So, with nothing useful to work with, my brain essentially "powers down".
I just listened to Summer and it has changed.
I have changed.
This is not for the better, and as I sat there listening to the music play and pondering my revelation, I realized that one of my joys is largely gone. The only possible saving grace is living this kind of music vicariously through Smallsteps, because when she plays, I don't need any visual, because I am connected through her. I don't feel the song, but I love listening to her play anything.
She plays me "Daddy's sleepy song" when I am listening to her from on the couch and take a nap. It isn't a song at all, but a collection of random sounds, slowly played, and it puts me to sleep.
Not being able to have "spontaneous thoughts" doesn't sound like too much of an issue, and could be a good thing in some ways, but so much of our thought process is actually outside of our control, and that can be valuable. What I have realized is that I don't have many "aha" moments these days that are driven by my own thoughts, which used to be quite common for me. It is a loss of imagination, loss of the ability to put what might have been two otherwise random pieces of information together, and make sense of them, change them, use them, create from them.
To be honest, the realization tonight has depressed me a little, like I have died a little bit inside. But it is better to know limitations and deal with them, than remain ignorant and still suffer from them. It could be that now that I have slightly more clarity on the impact this particular condition has on me, I might be able to cater to it, or use it in some way. Or, maybe knowing it will just make me pay more attention when my daughter plays, and putting more intention into listening and connecting, even if it doesn't come naturally.
In the first few months after the stroke, bits of me returned, though not at the level they were. However, since then, I just realize how many other pieces have been lost, and how many of those pieces brought quality to my life, and are now gone. I can engineer the conditions of my life in some way, but that doesn't mean it will inspire joy. A lot of people seem to think that we can just "change our mind", but don't seem to acknowledge how much of our mind is outside of our control.
I might not ever fully be able to experience anything again, and it worries me what observing that is going to do to my daughter. I don't know how she experiences me through her eyes, and what she sees and feels when I am fading out, losing focus, and struggling to find the right words. Perhaps she grows up thinking I didn't pay enough attention, without realizing I gave her everything I had to give.
I am not even enough for me.
How can I be enough for her too?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]