I had an interesting conversation at work today about a topic that had the two women I was speaking with concerned for my well being. One of them is getting divorced and we were talking about it quite openly and then I said -"perhaps it is hormones" - it was this that had them concerned for my well-being - as they thought at first I was blaming them.
The conversation first started around snoring and I was saying how unfair it was because I can't help my snoring, but get kicked for it. I stated that this is a double standard and if I kicked my wife for physical attributes that she can't control, I would get into trouble. As you can probably tell - I have a pretty good relationship with my colleagues in the discussion, so we talk freely.
Back to the hormones.
Hormones have a great deal to do with not only how our body functions, but also our preferences in various things. There are studies that have demonstrated that women prefer the looks of different types of men depending on their ovulation cycle. This is hormonal and that is why the pill affects hormones and it is because of this I think some relationships get off to a potentially poor hormonal start.
I have written about this before where there might be a couple that meet and the woman is on the pill and then, she comes off the pill when they decide to try for children. However, coming off the pill is going to affect hormones and that might also affect preferences, including how the woman feels about her partner. Supposedly pheromones also play a part in attraction and that means that these k´could be changed as well by a hormonal shift. This is obviously not my area of expertise, but I do think that these kinds of things must have an effect on all kinds of behaviors and therefore outcomes.
This is an example I used today too, but I was thinking a little further about other hormonal changes that may affect relationship. For example, as a woman ages, her hormonal makeup changes also, which is why menopause becomes a thing later in life. But, I think that there have been changes in society that affect this process that will impact on the dynamics of relationships. Namely, we are living longer.
It wasn't that long ago that at age 50, we were already approaching the end of life, but now it is more like 80. Because of this, we have the sense that life isn't over and there is a lot more to live. this would have an effect on relationships because earlier, by that stage there might not be the same frame of mind, meaning that there is no point in getting divorced with so little options available past that. Now though, there are plenty of options available and 50 is the new 30 in many respects, so there is not as much reservation in "starting again" at this age. Not only that, there has obviously been cultural changes that have affected economy too and especially in countries like Finland, women are financially independent and as a result, self-sufficient in pretty much every other way too. And on top of this, a lot of the taboo around divorce has been removed, so there isn't the same level of social judgement there might have been even 50 years ago.
Again, I want to reiterate, I am not judging, I am just trying to explain some potential reasons for changes in society, and they aren't all cultural. Denying that we are organic creatures that have variations and change over time, is pretty ridiculous in my books. I do not expect my wife to look like she did when she was 20 at the age of 40, but should she expect that I shouldn't snore because I didn't snore 10 years ago when we met? Just like her, I didn't make the decision to age.
And I think that this is part of the understanding that is required in order to keep a relationship alive long-term, as we would have to be able to acknowledge and accept the changes in other people, as well as ourselves. It doesn't mean it will always work out that way, even if we might want it too, but luckily (at least here) we still have options to pivot our life in many ways - rather than resign ourselves to having to live where we don't enjoy, because it isn't worth changing now, since there isn't much time left.
As said, this isn't my area, but I am interested in the dynamics of relationships and enjoy discussing them openly with people. It was a really interesting 20 minutes we spent talking about these things today in the office and I like that we have built the kind of professional relationships where we are comfortable to have personal relationships together too. What I did find interesting and mentioned is that while there is a lot of discussion around the hormones of women, it seems assumed that men don't have hormones and shouldn't fluctuate in their behavior at all, which is again, quite ridiculous considering we are all influenced by the chemicals in our body and, they are in a constant state of change.
There is value in being able to openly discuss topics with peers, but it takes building the conditions that give the space for it to happen. It takes time to build strong and open relationships in a world that likes to keep the things that bring us together to better understand each other - in the dark.
Taraz
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