How Boring Are You?

On a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the most boring, how boring do you think you are in other people's eyes?

And I am not talking about online you, I am talking about physical you, the real you, the one whose face is seen, and can be slapped or smiled at. Not the you who has google support to make you feel intelligent, and all those filters to smooth your skin and hide your flaws.

I am pretty boring.

I was thinking about this when speaking of dating culture today, where there can be a strong disconnect between the personality of the person they talk to online, and that of the person they end up with on a date. But I think these days perhaps, it is less noticeable because both sides are more boring than they used to be, so there isn't much of a gap. I think this might be because people tend to have less real experience, but a lot of digital experience that overlaps. And while it is good to have some things in common, it is boring when there is too much in common.

As said, I am boring. But, I also have okay social skills, so even though I consider myself not very exciting, I tend tend to be able to draw people into a conversation and get them talking about things that they wouldn't normally talk about with a near stranger. And because of this, I end up seeming more interesting, because they end up talking about themselves and their experiences, and I will spend my time listening and engaging.

People are interested in themselves.

Or at least, themselves in relation to another's experience. So for instance, I am "automatically" more interesting in Finland because I come from the other side of the world that most people haven't been to. This means that they are interested in finding out more to see what is different to their experience as a Finn. And even if they have been to Australia, they are interested in finding out whether we have overlapping experiences.

But, I have always found it a bit strange (even though I understand many of the reasons) how a lot of people struggle to talk to people they are supposedly interested in. For example, a lot of guys will struggle to talk to a girl they like and rather than getting to know them a bit first, if they can get up the courage, they will just ask them out. Based on what - their looks?

Looks aren't enough for the majority of women to make that decision though, as they tend to want to be interested in the person. This makes it very hard for a girl to say yes to being asked out by a person that she hasn't talked to. It isn't just attraction, there is likely also a large security element in there also, as women have to think far more about their own safety than a man generally does in the dating sphere. So a guy that just says "want to go on a date?" is likely to get a rejection or ignored - because he is a stranger to her.

And then if there is a date, a lot of people end up having the same kinds of conversations over and over, rather than getting into the weeds of more interesting, more personal topics. With personal being the areas where people can have opinions, like current events, politics and other trigger points. Of course, if the intention is just to sleep with the person on a first date, behaviours might be different. But if it is to see what kind of person the other is before considering on a second date, then it is good to have some more meaningful conversations, rather than a timeline of one's life from childhood.

We are a species of storytellers and everyone has a story to tell. But, just like novels and movies, there are better and worse stories. And one of the most boring kinds of conversations (for me at least) are conversations about stuff from the internet, especially when they aren't giving a personal opinion on it at all. For me, I want to get to know people, not get to know about what kind of content they consume.

The problem for many these days though is that the majority of their life has been spent consuming internet content, so that becomes their experience. It is like those very well-read university lecturer types, who recite passages and ideas from the many books they have read, but have never created anything original themselves.

It keeps them safe.

There is safety in using "third-party" content as the source of experience, because it doesn't require opening up personally to judgement. Vulnerability is interesting when it is about sharing personal experience, because it opens up for judgement and preference - it is a trust position, without having the trust first. The thing to remember though, is that one doesn't have to have travelled the world to be interesting, because there is interesting things to experience everywhere.

What an interesting person is capable of doing however, is telling the mundane in an interesting way, with interesting inflection and timing, and unexpectedness. It isn't that hard, but it does take practice and a lot of listening to interesting and uninteresting people to identify what are the traits for each.

I used to be good at dating.

Now I am pretty boring.