We took Smallsteps climbing yesterday, as she had a voucher from Christmas that is expiring soon and there was still cash on it. She will go again with her cousin next week also, as part of her interim school holiday and to use the last of it. Every time we go, she is obviously faster and stronger and braver, and as I watched her scoot up walls and obstacles at speed, I reflected on how I was not like that at all as a child. Quite the opposite.
I lived in fear. And it isn't that Smallsteps is so different to me, but I think that a large part of it came down to the way I was raised (or not raised) and the way she is. For her, she is encouraged to try new things, but isn't forced, nor is she constantly told to be careful, but instead we say pay attention. For me, it wasn't that my parents said different, but rather that they didn't really encourage me one way or other at all. I was left to my own devices, and in that kind of situation, with so little safety net to support failure, I chose not to fail - which means, I chose to stand still. This is the greatest failure of childhood.
Children shouldn't be still. It is unnatural.
I don't blame my parents, because they had their own baggage carried through from their messed up experiences of life, and they did they best they could. Yet, it would also be remiss to leave my own experiences due to their behaviour unacknowledged. For instance, Smallsteps asked me today what the North Pole was and then we spent twenty minutes discussing and demonstrating and asking more questions surrounding it. Yet, I don't remember having any such conversation with my parents as a child, even though I was already curious and observational about life from a young age.
Would it have made a difference?
Sure. But I have no idea what that difference would be now, it is just that in a life where everything is connected, change one thing, and everything changes. Life is a series of chain reactions that splinter off in various directions, causing random and unexpected interactions, which sets of more reactions. Where we ended up today, right now, in this instant, is highly unpredictable, as it is the result of trillions of variables over time.
Ironically, I am not afraid to admit that I have lived far too much of my life in fear, which was sourced from the need for self-preservation. Not just physical safety, but also mental and emotional safety too. Letting that wiring that was evolved to keep our bodies safe, pretend that my mind and emotions are my body also. Letting the wiring protect me from what I not only didn't need protection from, but needed to embrace.
I needed to work my fear muscles.
But it isn't easy as a kid who firstly didn't have parental support, but also didn't have that all-important peer support that would drive a kid to be a little more daring, to push a little harder, if only to impress friends. When I was Smallsteps' age, I didn't have friends.
Like it or not, it is almost impossible to not carry baggage from our past into the future. Our experiences scar us physically, mentally and emotionally, and depending on the type of "trauma" we have and how we process it, even seemingly small, mundane events can be carried through in the suitcase of life, to become a burden, and impact on our thoughts and behaviours.
None of us get out unscathed.
But trauma itself is not the problem, is it? If anything, trauma could be seen as just another learning experience that can provide valuable information for us to make more informed, better decisions going forward. Yet, we are often looking to avoid negative learning experiences and when we cannot, we look to avoid dealing with them at the level necessary. And I think that today, many will identify "low-level" traumas that don't have much collateral, while ignoring real traumas that do make an impact.
Many are seeking to be traumatised, to be victims.
They want a label. A reason that they can give for why they are the way they are, without necessarily doing the work to see if it is even a valid hypothesis. It is an assumption that because they heard that this "could be" considered a trauma, then it must be a trauma.
One person's trauma, is another person's treasure.
Even the worst experiences in life, can bring about highly valuable and rewarding knowledge, outcomes and perspectives for the future. Yet, if every experience is seen as a potential trauma instead of a potential growth opportunity, then there is very little treasure to find and only blame to be given.
Life is about giving.
But what are we giving these days? Are we really giving our gifts, or are we giving excuses as to why we cannot and why we are unable, and why it is all someone else's fault?
My daughter, Smallsteps, is going to blame me for a lot in her life, as the older she gets, the more baggage she is going to collect also. It is not my job as a parent to defend myself though, it is my job to give of myself. To wear that blame knowing that I did what I could, provided what I could, and tried to create an environment where she could grow into a healthy, well-adjusted, wise human, who will give of herself to the world she inhabits also. To do so though, requires accepting that a lot of mistakes were made, and that "my best" will never be the best for her. She will get faster and stronger.
And, she will always be limited by me.
We aren't limitless. We can never reach our full potential, because there are too many factors that are going to hold us back, and are out of our control, or out of our realm of experience. Even limited though, we are still our best in every moment, and we can be intentional about what we do, how we live, how we treat people, and how we love, so that we are better in the next moment. Even if our better, benefits someone else, not us at all.
Yet, giving ourselves, fills us with fear.
Taraz
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