I had been putting it off all week, but yesterday I ordered flowers to be delivered for my father's funeral, which will be held on Monday. I am not sure why I put it off, but I wasn't looking forward to writing the single line that will be printed on the card, something so personal, handled by another.
Dad, You are forever with us, you will always be missed.
While I have come to terms with his passing, it sucks that I can't be there with my family at this time, and I wasn't there for them 16 years ago when our mother passed away from cancer either. We are so connected through technology, yet the distance feels immense at the moment. My sister called the other day and asked if I had been talking to anyone, reminiscing on the times with my father, but I haven't, it isn't the same to share with those who never knew him, so I have done this alone, but it isn't the same as sharing with people who were there for the ride.
A few hours after ordering, I got a call from my bank, saying that they have locked my card because of a "suspect" purchase - Interflora. After confirming the purchase and after the guy apologizing, they had no way of knowing if the purchase went through or not. I got a "processing" email from Interflora, but it is possible that it will be rejected. The guy on the phone was very apologetic, but that doesn't get the flowers there on time.
They are just flowers, but it was to be a little piece of us there, a representation that even though we are so far away, we are still present in thought. Insignificant and lacking, but something. There is still a chance that the purchase went through before the flag locked the card, or the unlocking will take effect in time for it to be processed, but I am not holding my breath.
My available family are all there now and they are spending time together and catching up on their lives that I don't feel a part of much of the time, as distance and separation of life itself creates a barrier between people.
Today should have been spent with 
But, there is no point in dwelling for too long on loss and lack, it is better to be grateful for what is possible. There are the things we can control, the things we can influence, the things we have no power over - too often, we probably pain over what we can't affect, rather than use our energy doing what we can. At the moment, there is very little I can do in regards to the distance between us all, so I will use my energy to find ways to close that distance in the future.
Much of what has stopped us all from travelling is of course financial availability, but there is also Smallsteps' allergies and business obligations to contend with. One day though, the stars will align and the hurdles will seem much lower. Til then, we'll have to make do with the reliance on internet connections and hope that people will be able to visit us. At least, they will have a place to stay - once we clean up a bit.
I wanted to give my family space to spend time together today without getting them in front of screens, but tomorrow I will try to get hold of them for a bit of a group chat and hopefully catch up on some of the many things I have missed.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter of the flowers get there or not - we will still be there as a family in thought.
Taraz
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