This post was co-published at talanhorne.com. You may find that it has better formatting on the other site.
*Prosecutor Downarrow’s office is a harsh kind of clean, and Mr. Devil’s Advocate is already eyeing the door.*
Mr. Devil’s Advocate: “Drop the act, Valerie. You’re not stupid enough to believe my client is guilty.”
Prosecutor Downarrow: “He’s guilty enough. At the very least, he used excessive force. And someone died in the process. Innocent people don’t behave the way Mr. Horne does.”
Mr. DA: “He’s not the reason you’re here. Tell me, what happened to the last prosecutor on this case?”
PD: “He walked into an open manhole.”
Mr. DA: *Glares*
PD: “And fell onto a buckshot cartridge.”
Mr. DA: “I see. And you volunteered to replace him because…?”
PD: “What can I say? I’m a good Samaritan.”
Mr. DA: “Oh, my dear, sweet Valerie—you’re not a good anything.”
PD: “It’s been a long time, Brady. I’d hoped you would be happy to see me.”
Mr. DA: “Seeing you is the low point of my year. I would take cholera over you. A horse kick right to the balls would be a better use of my time. I cannot conceive why you would expect me to enjoy this. I hated every minute with you, and there was never any love there.”
PD: “That’s not true. I loved you like a son.”
Mr. DA: “Which is a really weird thing to say to YOUR HUSBAND!”
PD: “Hey, I don’t pass judgment.” *Leans in.* “We had something really freaky, and I can’t stop thinking about it.”
Mr. DA: “And just like that, I’m leaving. My client is not taking the stand, and there is nothing you can do to make me change my…”
PD: “NO!”
PD: “I mean, what’s the rush? The judge gave us this time for discovery. So why don’t we just…discover each other a bit?”
*She licks her chops.*
*Mr. Devil’s Advocate gives an amused sniff and adjusts his tie.*
Mr. DA: “Such an ugly thing you’ve become. I’m done here.”
PD: “And what about your soul?”
*He stops, halfway out the door.*
Mr. DA: “I would rather burn forever than let you back into my life.”
PD: “And you’re comfortable making that decision for yourself and your client? Will he enjoy prison, do you think? Of course, he only has to enjoy it until they execute him. But don’t let that worry you. You just look after your own happiness, Brady. Like always.”
*Steps back into the office. Closes the door.*
Mr. DA: “You really are that selfish, aren’t you? Of course, I should know better than anyone. After all the games you’ve played with people’s lives—all the pain and humiliation. At the end of the day, you just love being everyone’s cancer.”
PD: “Don’t kink-shame me.”
Mr. DA: “I really should just kill you.” *Steps closer* “Why not? I’m going to hell either way. I’ll sleep so much better knowing you can’t hurt anyone again. Just throw you out that window. Just bludgeon you with something in this office. Tell me why I shouldn’t. Go on. TELL ME.”
PD: *Whispers* “Kill me if you like, but you can only do it once. And once will never be enough. Imagine how empty your life will be when I’m gone. Still, here I am. Why don’t you show me what you really, REALLY want to do to me.”
*Due to the inadequacy of human language, and the legendary nature of what happened next, the remaining events of this office visit will be depicted entirely with visuals.*
*A hush falls over the courtroom as the prosecution and defense retake their seats*
What took you so long?
Mr. DA: “It was…a productive meeting.”
Finally, some good news. But…uh…why do you smell like life-shattering shame…with a hint of Gary Busey?
Mr. DA: “It was a very productive meeting.”
*Rises*
Mr. DA: “Your honor, after conferring with the prosecution, the defense now desires that the defendent be allowed to testify.”
Justice Byclericalerror: “Very well. You may take the stand, Mr. Horne.”
To be continued…
