Reflection in the water

swayzilla(56)

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Natural Medicine

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1152

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A call comes up across the screen as I'm packing to leave work. It's 4:30, I know I shouldn't answer it, I want to get home. "It will be quick", I said to myself, "It has to be".

I pick up the video call.

The sun is overhead, the rays shining down through the windshield. Mind is racing, hands clenching the steering wheel. The commute home from work is 40 minutes, 10 of those minutes spent driving down a busy freeway. Trucks and cars merge into the lane, fighting to get ahead of the next car, only to save 2 seconds on a commute.

I look down at the time, 530. I left work late again. I knew that my kids and wife were waiting for me at home to eat dinner together. I clench my steering wheel. "I knew I should have just left at 4:30" I said to myself.

Working for a global organization has it's advantages and disadvantages. I got an urgent call from our Mexico office. It was 3:30 pm their time, 4:30 for me.

I feel tired, mentally drained and anxious. I get off the highway and for the next 30 minutes I pass by beautiful forests, farmland and rivers.

I hold my steering wheel tighter as I shift into 4th gear. This is the easy part of the drive. No lights, no traffic, just small town beauty.

I notice none of it.

All that is on my mind is how much I want to get home and see my family before the kids need to go to bed.

"I'll act happy, my kids are excited to see me". I said to myself.

I pull into the driveway, shift the car into neutral and roll into my spot. I pull up the parking break as I hear the ding of the keys still in my ignition. I pull my keys out and collect my work bag.

A boy, with long curly hair and a big smile on his face yells, "daddy!". A young girl, a toddler comes running after, wanting to be picked up.

I'm exhausted. "Act excited" I said to myself.

I gave a big smile and picked up my kids and walked to the front door. My wife greets me, I kiss her and drop my bag.

The air is tense. The kids run off, not wanting to play with me. I grab my food and eat.

"What is it I had to do today? I think I forgot to complete a report at work. Was that due today?" I thought to myself.

"hunny?" My wife said

"Huh?" I replied

"Were you listening to me? I was talking to you" She said

I wasn't. My mind was racing with different thoughts. My son now repeating, "Play with me daddy", over and over again.

I look down, I hadn't even taken a bite of my food yet.

I snap.

Distortion in the water

I knew it was time for a change. My anger was affecting my relationships. But why was I angry? I didn't have an answer.

For years I tried therapy through the VA, blaming my deployments for my anger and depression.

"There has to be something different" I thought to myself.

I looked at my computer, and opened the browser. I searched the internet and found a mental health counselor the focuses on nonviolent communication, the self and natural approaches through Buddhism, Wiccan and Christian practices.

I picked up the phone.

My reflection in the water

I look into the river. "Breathe", I tell myself.

It's been a year now that I've been seeing this mental health counselor.

For years I've been pumped with meds from the VA, only to turn into what my wife referred to as a zombie.

I was angry. Angry not because of my deployments, work or my family. Angry because I didn't understand my own emotions. My entire life I had suppressed everything i had felt. I was taught to not feel, to not be present, to mask who I was.

Self-Compassion is the key to understanding your true self. Everyone of us has subconscious needs. When we become aware of these needs, we then become aware of why we have our drives.

Meditation is my medicine. For years I wasn't present. Not aware of how I was feeling at that moment. Not aware that my closed off attitude was affecting my family.

If I was present at that moment. The moment my wife was talking to me. The moment my son was asking me to play, or the moment I took a bite to eat, I would have enjoyed every second.

I now practice mindfulness on a daily basis. It's not easy, meditation is never easy when for years your mind has gotten used to racing images. But they key is to be okay with that.

When meditating, If your mind starts to drift only 5 seconds into it, gently bring yourself back, focus on your breathing and continue. If you find yourself doing it again, it's okay to focus on that thought, and stay there, that's meditative as well.

The key is to be present. Be present in your thoughts, be present with your actions.

Now when I drive home. I'm present.

When my kids want to play, I put my phone away and be present.

When my wife wants to have a conversation, i turn to her, and be present.

I no longer tell myself to act happy. Instead when I'm meditating, I say "I choose to be present for..."

I choose to be present because every moment with my kids is important to me.

I choose to be present because everything my wife says is valuable.

I choose to be present when I drive home because nature is worth seeing.

Family Vacation.

The house we rented this summer was behind a river. Every morning I would try to make my way down there and listen to the water as it passed by. I was present at those moments that I observed the water.

I'd close my eyes and breathe.

Listen to the water, the birds, and focus on my emotions.

I was present.
I am present.
I am happy.

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There are so many things I learned. From letting go to being mindful, there's so much I could write.

If you want to understand the journey I took to get here, please take a moment out of your day to listen to these as audiobooks, or find the time to read them.