Another old writing this one from 2007;
She would be smiling most of the time that you were around her, but did you really see behind that smile?
That hidden world of pain and deception? Please remember, that should you decide to read this, that there was no intention of deceiving you out of malice, but out of protection. Self protection, self preservation, and perceiving herself to be trapped within that hidden world.
You see that girl, could often been seen with bruises upon her chins, scratches on the inner side of her upper arms, marks on her neck that could be seen if her hair had been pulled back or up.
She learned to hide well, how to deceive, to take on the persona of someone "normal", she had too.
She often would change for P.E. stealthily in the restroom stall to hide the bruises on her torso. Again, her life might depend on these well thought out movements. For should the police be called, she would be pitted between her abuser and the officer, believing she had no one else to turn too, no one to protect her, no one who would love her, she felt she had to protect her abuser.
Through these experiences she quickly learned many ways of self protection, she kept people at arms length, bottling up her feelings, her pain, eventually turning it into anger. All the while making sure that that the scared little girl was never seen.
She survived by escaping by whatever means she could, music, writing, running. Running for escape from the life she could not believe she was born into. Never wanting to be at home, fearful of the next attack, walking on egg shells, trying desperately to not trigger the rage. The rage of the abuser.
Learning how to bottle that tension, grinding her teeth in her sleep, easily startled by unexpected noises, even sometimes exploding with her own anger.
Somehow through all of this she will succeed, she will have strength beyond her knowing, mostly she will know that she will need guidance, and support for her to succeed. Slowly, she will peel away the layers of protection until the real person, a whole person will emerge much like a butterfly that emerges from a cocoon.
She will see that the life she imaged as a child can be obtained, that she could fulfill her desires to be a good person, a person with heart and compassion. Maybe, just maybe there was a reason, that she was born to the life she was or will be born to. Maybe she will be an advocate to raise awareness of child abuse, maybe she would be an example of how to over come oppression, anger and deception. Maybe teaching others how to embrace the future, not forgetting the past but embracing the past too. For if it was not for the past she would not be who she will become, or who she will be.
