Ok, so I here I sit on a Saturday night starting my next post, oh how life has changed over the years, lol, if feel like I'm so boring sometimes now, but hey age creeps up on you and along with a pandemic; what ya supposed to do. Like most of us Tracy and I try to decide on what show/program to stream next, but I seem to be the type of guy who gets restless pretty quick and I lose interest, so instead of staring at my phone or listen to my mind racing I'm going to do what I said, put more focus into my writing and no better time then 10:53 p.m. to start and that's almost past my bedtime. Not having a punch clock anymore to tell me when to start and stop work is liberating, but to do this requires, umm....discipline ya that's the word I'm after and now as I guess a self taught writer/blogger, that's what you need as well as courage to not be afraid to put your work / words out there for all to read. Although I think I'll need a room to myself one day as Tracy just had to show me a seahorse giving birth, which is pretty cool I guess, distracting nonetheless, also it's pretty easy to just quit and go sit on the couch and check out whatever Netflix program she's watching. Discipline Steve Discipline.....And since we are all caught up on Yellowstone....nothing really appeals to me right now. I'd rather tell the story than watch the story I guess? Is that a good way to put it. Honestly sitting here plugging away, makes me feel much more alive and key word here....Happy.
Now I was blown away by the response I received from my last post, sometimes moved to tears, but happy tears from all the love and support I get not only from close friends, but old friends, neighbours, and from new friends (my readers). All offering advice on the way they meditate and find a sense of inner peace. When I first found out that my life was going to be cut short, I was mad and confused, but now after some reading and therapy I'm no longer mad. Scared would be how I feel sometimes and it's not necessarily scared for me...I plan on finding out what's next for me before my time here is done, but that my friends is a long way off and I have a few blogs that I want to go into great detail concerning that. I think what frightens me more is what happens to the ones I leave behind, my family, Tracy and the boys, that causes me to lose more sleep than anything else.....but like I said that is a long way off. However now is the time to start to find that peace and I am blessed with more time than other's in my shoes to make that happen. In a way I feel obligated to do this for those who didn't have the chance. It's through meditation that this journey for me will start and I plan on it taking me to places I'd never imagine I'd have ever gone. Those will make for great blogs and stories.
If you've followed me for awhile now then you know that my canoe(s) will take me on some of these journeys, I enjoy the company of my friends / wife very much when I'm out, but there's nothing like a long solo journey into the unknown with just your gear and map/compass and this year I plan finding even more of myself when I hope my adventures take me out for weeks at a time. I've also been approached by a few people about taking them on a guided trip, I like to think I'm capable of taking a small group or couple out to experience something that can potentially really awaken something inside yourself..
Well I'll finish this post a little later....joy's of working for yourself.....oh and we have to go look at a new apartment tomorrow, life is never boring.
Well it's now Thursday night....holy, I planned on finishing this post Sunday..but you know LIFE happen. So just an update that will probably finish this piece, we decided to take the apartment we looked, it happens fast cause here anywhere is Southwestern Ontario if you don't give almost an immediate answer about a place to live, someone else will five minutes later. Ya..we are moving and it's kinda funny, it's to the small town I grew up in until I was about 10 and the place we have now is 2 doors down from my Grandparents place where I spent a lot of time as a baby....weird how the world works sometimes. This place is also a little smaller again then where we are now, so a little more downsizing....the key to our live moving forward, another plus. More on that when we are all moved in.
Next...on the same day, Sunday, drove to an area in said small town to have a small bite to eat in the parking lot, low and behold a pop up vaccination was there.....we end up getting our booster shots. Hot dam too.....that put me out of commission for a good day and a half, pain and fatigue, but I believe worth it, to help keep hospitals for what they're meant for, having beds for people who need a life saving treatment / operation. Enough said.
Then Wednesday, I wake at 6 a.m. to get ready and drive the hour to Brantford General to get my CAT scan at 8a.m. After a couple restless night before this I was pretty tired, and as usual super thrilled to have my two glasses of contrast to drink, cranberry of coarse. The positive that day was a great nurse who was able to get my IV in, in one shot...whew...If you remember back it took 4 attempts last time and I'm a pretty patient guy, but there is a limit. The scan itself is pretty routine, when that dye gets injected that warm sensation coarse through your body and ends up well...let's say it feels like you are going to have an accident. So far so good, and then the typical (for me at least) dash to the bathroom before my bladder gives out....oh, the sweet relief. My last scan was six months ago and that is by far the longest I have gone since the start of this journey, so while it's a been nice break, that length of time makes me a little nervous for my visit to the Oncologist on the 24th of this month. I believe I've heard it called "scanxeity" and it's real. At least for the next week and a half I having moving our belongings to help keep me occupied and not always thinking about it.....
While at hospital I had to run down to the cancer clinic and gather some more paperwork, once again disability stuff....never ending. Although that doesn't really stress me anymore, when I got home I read the attached paperwork she included, which maybe I shouldn't do. Every time I read about my condition in medical terms it puts a lump in my throat and fight back tears. Hearing stuff like widespread disease, further advanced than first thought, grave condition and incurable makes everything real again. No matter how well I do look and feel, deep down the realist in me is scared...real scared. Thankfully I have notes, handouts and training from my CBT coarse that I can refer to and help get through days like that....
To wrap this up my habits suffered a bit this week based on feeling terrible and just some mental exhaustion. Good news is I'm back here again writing and I'm a little late, but still inspired to keep at it. I had a lot of great messages over the week from people I just met, to old friends I haven't talk to in decades. Tough week, but good week thanks to positive people taking the time to read what I have to say....awesome! Once again Love you all and all the best.
Oh..almost forgot talked to some people today from a great company and I may be involved in an awareness project coming up.....very excited to be a part of something like this...more to come I hope on that.
