Trapped in My Own Skin: Learning to love myself again (Part 1)
On seeing the title, i presume you already know what I'm on about🤭...
In this post, I want to talk about my experience with body dysmorphia, the insecurities it fueled, and how I started to break free from the grip of body dysmorphia.
Before writing this piece, I was contemplating which title would best suit this topic. It was a very tough choice but i finally settled for "Trapped in My Own Skin: Learning To Love Myself Again."
Titles I considered using.
I was thinking of making this a series because I'll be using most of these titles as subheadings, but some of them might be covered here. so, I'll just do a second part which will consist of the remaining things I couldn't cover in this part
When compliments feel like lies.
Looking in the mirror and feeling dissatisfied despite others' compliments was something I really struggled with while growing up. I was always either too skinny, small, tiny and not beautiful. Fun fact, people always told that I was really beautiful (they still do till date), but immediately I looked in the mirror, it felt like LIES. No matter how many times people reassured me, I could stop thinking that so many things about me were not okay.
When the Reflection Hurts: Battling Body Dysmorphia (The Mirror Lies).
If you've ever looked in the mirror and felt a different person (an imperfect you) staring back at you or felt like your reflection was your worst enemy, you're not alone.
I used to think mirrors told the truth, that what I saw staring back at me was reality. With time, I realized that my reflection was never the same twice. Some days, I would look at myself in the mirror and feel okay. Other days, my reflection looked so wrong. I was too slim, too asymmetrical, too flawed...
Chasing Perfection.
... it wasn't narcissism or vanity; it wasn't just about wanting to be "perfect." It was something deeper, a constant nagging belief that something was wrong with my body and no matter what I did, how I dressed or even how I tried to cover up those "flaws," I couldn't see myself as PERFECT. Growing up, I have come to terms with a lot of things and have learnt to accept my "FLAWS." But were/are they really flaws?
Body dysmorphia is a mental health condition involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. The flaw may be minor or imagined. But the person spends hours, day or sometimes even months or years, trying to fix those "flaws." It convinces you that you are broken, that there is something wrong and imperfect about you, even when the world says otherwise. And the worse part? The mirror becomes both the battleground and weapon. Thinking back now, the mirror is probably the greatest enemy and friend at the same time.
"The mirror may lie, but we don't have to believe it" - Stephanie, 2025.
Body dysmorphia isn't just insecurity. It is an internal war, a war between what your mind tells you and what your mirror tells you (what reality actually is). It is a deep, overwhelming feeling and belief that something about your appearance is wrong, even when others don't see it. It distorts the way you see yourself, making minor "imperfections" seem so impossible to ignore. Some people focus on their skin, nose, weight, hips, hip dips, legs, or even other slight asymmetries that others wouldn't notice.
The mirror becomes both an obsession and an enemy. Some days, you check it constantly, hoping to find some kind of assurance. Other days, you avoid it entirely because the reflection screams all the seeming flaws you have.
Unlike self-consciousness, which comes and goes, body dysmorphia is persistent. When someone compliments you, it might go away temporarily, but it's still lingering somewhere. It doesn't just disappear after a good hair day or after putting on a very nice outfit or after a breathtaking photo. Instead, it lingers, convincing you that no matter what you do, you are still not beautiful/handsome.
The Struggle with Self-Perception.
In a world where unrealistic beauty standards are almost everywhere, on social media, around the neighborhood, airbrushed celebrities, and the rest of them, coupled with the constant pressure to "fix" ourselves, it's easy to feel like we're in an endless battle with our reflection.
Body dysmorphia isn't just about the way we see ourselves; it is also about the behaviors that come with it. You start seeking validation, but no amount of reassurance ever seems enough so you start making modifications. Then comes to question of "Do I look okay?" hoping for relief or reassurance, but, even when they say yes, there's always a nagging thought; They are JUST BEING NICE. Then, the mirror checking. Looking at yourself in the mirror from every angle, looking for proof that your worst fears are true. Panic sets in if the reflection seems "off." If it looks okay, the relief is temporary. But then, you spot other flaws like, the way you did your hair, or makeup, or the way your jewelries aren't the right choice or the way your lip liner is looking off, or the way your eyeliner isn't perfect. You finally adjust everything till you're seemingly satisfied with your look. You tell yourself that the lighting was good today, or you didn't just look closely enough. The cycle continues another day. This was me, by the way.
For some other, the obsession goes beyond the mirror. It might mean spending hours trying to fix something that isn't wrong on a normal day, researching better skincare routines because yours isn't working out for you anymore, extreme dieting, considering cosmetic surgeries and other things as the case might be. It might also mean avoidance, no photos, no social gatherings, always indoors so as to prevent yourself from getting to dress up or look into the mirror and see those flaws. But whether you obsess over the mirror or hide from it, the result remains the same; You feel trapped inside your own skin, constantly at war with yourself.
The emotional toll is very tiring. You start missing out on some really fun moments because you're too focused on how you look. An outing with friends becomes less about fun and more about if your outfit hides the part of yourself that you hate. And the worst part? That inner voice always telling you that you're not beautiful or enough never goes away.
From Self-Hate to Self-Healing...
I'm so tired today😮💨. I'll continue from where I stopped here in part 2, which might be out by Friday or Sunday, depending on how my schedule is🧎🏻♀️
(there are a lot of typos, please, ignore 🙏🏻)
