So I sat down and emptied my head, unconscious thought, I can't even tell you what the subject matter is, or even if It means anything significant. It is what it is. Interpret this as you wish, as with things like this everybody has an opinion.
We caught fire, the heat was so strong that our noses were red with the inferno, I remember it like it was the first day I saw you. At some point, maybe it was. Or maybe that was the day truth had made itself known to me, it all seems the same.
I remember when I first saw you and your scent filled the room, it was intoxicating, luscious and innocent.
I couldn't bring myself to look away, it was as if all my intentions had rushed to you from the palm of my hand.
So I rested my gaze on neutral points of your silhouette, I could feel myself falling like I'd just leapt from a great height.
If you had spoken, I'd not heard a word, it was as if everything in me had decomposed and was now congealing in the pit of me.
I still hear the howling of the night, it echoes in you with every blistering gaze, broken, breached and succumbed.
I once saw a beacon of hope and inspiration, now the fire has overruled and changed you and all I see is disguises and lies.
We were one and now we're a million pieces and you try to convince me that everything you do is for nothing, selfless and with good intention, all the while you're playing tricks on me, you're dishonouring me, you're rough around the edges and still wanting me to wait for you as you run wild, unrestricted, uncontrolled, and hungrily consuming all the evils of the world because you believe we're all inherently good. Do you see me, all tired eyes fixed? Or are you still running?
We sing from the rooftops when we're high, we tear shreds off of the other when we're feeling in disarray. I don't want to be here, I dont want to be in this moment, I have heard it all before, I have seen all the good in you evaporate and come together again like the rain forming over the horizon. You say that explaining is hard, but you're the rub-ix cube that few can put together, you change so much that you don't even know who you are anymore. You say this is normal.
If we just started walking, would you be further away from me, or so close that we're touching, almost inside each other?
There are so many hours in the day, so many faces to encounter, that early morning conversations and hot evening coffees mean different things to you depending on how many hours spent caught up in your own head throughout the day, do you ever stop? completely stop, and just be, keep your beauty to yourself, relish in quiet happiness, and just be in the moment? Or is your mind running off with you again, are you too vested in what people have said and the noise of the surrounding earth you move in? you have always interested me, but if you don't interest yourself - who can say that anything else matters? this map has frayed, and we've all but called off the ties that bind, out of laziness, out of boredom? for so long, tiredness hasnt been enough, because in some respects, we are not found, but we are lost.
If you closed your eyes and looked at your memories and your dreams, would you be afraid to sleep at night for the images that are evoked in your mind's eye, will you be strong enough to cite that you can and have overcome your demons? or do you think that your mind is the only thing stronger than your heart, and your integrity, that you are no longer king of your own destiny, that you no longer allow the kindness you inherently have to be emitted to those you love and speak kindly to, because your heart has broken into a million pieces and is no longer enough to support your fraying mind, this you tell yourself that is not your doing, but the burden of others and the reactions you chose to give them.
They say that angels and demons are ethereal, but I have seen them walk the earth everyday, each night in my sleep.
When souls collide, for reasons that are known, for reasons that are unfamiliar, who can say that it wont travel, who's to say that it will stagnate? how is it possible that we allow others to instigate our path in life, when some of us believe that we are solely responsible for the choices we make, that our independence and mental resilience will carry us through?
Some of us disbelief that we're responsible for the choices we make and the paths we follow, choosing to deflect the blame and responsibility onto others, when it is ourselves alone that are in control of our minds and our lives, in addition to the things we allow into our lives to effect us. So how do you know when to relocate, to change direction or move? They say that love is a human need, but yet my eyes have seen more than their share of indecency and burden less deceit, as the individual in question doesn't feel that they deserve to be loved, or give love unto another.
So what do you do when the fight has all but stagnated, but when you release the momentum and tension therein, you are at times left with no resource or resolve? When you've walked away, and the passion, albeit stale and stagnated, follows you around as though it has nowhere to transition to? after the release, the darkness comes, consumes and you have to rebuild yet again, when your entire life is made of construct and reconstruct, with or without assistance in the task. Some would cite that these things are commendable, indications of independence and humility, but I call it survival.
I'm tired, I'm battle worn, I'm optimistic, I'm scared, I'm overcompensating, I'm talking about absolute shit, I'm desperate, but I'm in control. I know that I'm overcome with choices, chances, and hoping with ever resilience that my luck will change, however that change will materialise, with no idea where it will happen, or who will incentivise such change. When you're so used to moving forward in leiu of challenging circumstances, the only person that holds you together is you. Despite the odds of people trying to bring you down, you know in your heart that you're good enough to be able to recreate yourself and move on, because moving on forward is all you know how to operate, it's who you are.
I used to doubt myself that I needed people in my life, that I needed to be with someone to be at my happiest, to be able to fly, but in the process I forgot that I was already flying and I was already in possession of everything I needed to be happy. A lot of people have tried to tell me that I'm incomplete, that I'm selfish, that I'm lost beneath my smile, that I'm a cynic. But all of these traits, I have seen in others and I've also been advised to leave this calibre of person alone, so I do.
I'm not the most verbal of people, and those I know or have known that are more talkative when involving matters of the heart, all it does it make me confused and uncertain: will these people defame and debase me out of anger & rejection? should I give these people solace, should I attempt to rectify the situation, have they moved in a new direction away from me in secrecy? This is the most that I have said in such a candid fashion, but I guess that everybody has a breaking point.
And now, onward and upward.
