"Try to numb the pain
With alcohol and pills
But it won't repair your trust
You can't stand on two fucking feet
With a substance as a crutch." -BMTH
You know shit is hitting the fan when you're listening to BMTH on repeat. Bring the air conditionner then huh? Screw that. I am in so much mental and emotional pain right now I feel like my body is literally breaking. I'm not even stuffing my face with food or drinking till I get real fucked. This time I want to face the fucking pain. Maybe it's my way of self harming myself even more. Masochism 101. I'm the queen of self sabotage. Why do you think they call me Sab?
I'm free, I have currently no obligations, no schedule no nothing. It should feel like paradise. But it's hell in my mind. I lost the biggest piece of my happiness, aka running. I push people I love away because I don't want to get hurt. Preaching about therapy but not even following my own advice. I'm full of fucking dog shit and I don't give a fucking fuck anymore. I like to think I have a good heart. I have so much love to give. Maybe too much that it hurts. And yet I want to be completely alone because people are shit.
I never saw myself living past 30. The older I get the more fucked up my mental health gets, the more hopeless I become about it ever getting better and the more I realize that maybe I'm not cut out for this disgusting world. People are unpredictable, selfish vile gross you name it. Romantic relationships end most of the time or become shitty. The workforce terrifies the living fuck out of me. I won't become a bitcoin millionaire anytime soon if ever. Slaving ourselves for 30+ years? No fucking way I'm participating in this shitshow. What's the fucking point. Give me a break. This shitshow of a pandemic is the beginning of the end anyway. Might as well yolo our way out. I wish nobody was holding me back because I HAVE HAD IT.