Episode 9
Scene 1
Days after the Battle for Planet Minus, The Coalition of United Planets Galaxies And Star Systems is retreating after their defeat to Lord Emperor President Chancellor Dominus Khan’s Grand Universal Empire of the Splat Culture. They have relinquished all mining rights on Planet Minus for 99 years, as long as certain officials in CUPGASS receive a cut. Admiral Illu and General Sion are on the bridge of the USS Jeopardize. They’ve just finished being taunted by Captain Stingus Maximus of The Splat Culture and are awaiting orders from the CUPGASS President on their next assignment.
Illu: Nothing worse than being taunted by a mosquito.
Sion: Yes, but at least now we have a new enemy to help us justify our positions.
The communications officer on the bridge tells them that the CUPGASS president is calling.
Illu: Put the president onscreen.
Comm Officer: We’re having trouble with visuals, so it’ll be audio only.
Sion: What?! That’s preposterous! Why?
Comm Officer: We put in a work order to maintenance last week, but they haven’t been approved by central command to complete the work.
Illu: I am central command!
Comm Officer: Sorry, sir. Just relaying the message.
Sion: We’re making the president wait. Put him through.
President Crown: Why can’t I see you two bumbling idiots?
Illu: Um, well, we took heavy damage in the battle for Planet Minus.
President Crown: And here I thought it must be bumbling incompetence. Anyway, speaking of Planet Minus, the loss of our mining operations there is a disaster. It was the source for nearly half our Zoom ore in this sector.
Illu: Really sir?
Sion: I had no idea.
President Crown: Stop lying. Both of you are pathetic. I know you’re getting a cut.
Illu: Sorry, sir.
President Crown: Don’t apologize! You two didn’t get to where you are in the hierarchy by being honest, decent, and straightforward and neither did I. Now, the reason I’m calling is that we need to replace our source of Zoom ore. I’m sending you two out to Ninjoctopus.
Sion: What a clumsy name for a planet.
President Crown: It’s a planet full of octopus ninjas, so what would you call it?
Illu: Are we being punished for something, sir?
President Crown: Depends on who you ask, I suppose. Anyway, you will go to Ninjoctopus to make way for new mining operations.
Illu: Sir, correct me if I’m wrong, but all of the Zoom ore on Ninjoctopus is located below the ocean floor, and all of the local inhabitants live underwater.
President Crown: Yes, that’s correct.
Sion: So, do you just want us to relocate them?
President Crown: Oh, now, don’t jump to conclusions. Try to make a deal with them first.
Illu: Yes, of course.
President Crown: If they don’t take the deal, then offer to help relocate them.
Sion: And if they refuse that?
President Crown: Then they must be exterminated, of course. But don’t worry, usually one of the first two options work. And their technology is quite primitive, so you shouldn’t have too much trouble.
Illu: Also, I don’t think they have a central authority.
President Crown: Yes, that’s true, which could make the first two options exceedingly difficult and nearly impossible. Any further questions?
Sion: No, sir.
President Crown: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a meeting with one of my physical fitness liaisons.
Transmission ends.
Illu: Is that what he calls them these days?
Scene 2
The USS Jeopardize has arrived at Ninjoctopus. Admiral Illu and General Sion are preparing an away team to make contact with the Ninjoctopus and seek mining concessions. They are in the transporter room preparing to beam down.
Admiral Illu: Away team member one, don’t forget to activate your high-tech breathing apparatus before you beam down. It is an aquatic world.
Away Team Member One: Yes, sir. I’d feel better if one of you would accompany us on this mission.
General Sion: Sometimes it’s necessary to lead from behind.
Admiral Illu: Does that make sense?
Away Team Member Two (confused): Not really.
General Sion: Transporter chief, beam them down.
The transporter chief slaps around some gelatinous cubes on a control board and the away team beams down.
Transporter Chief: Sir, I’ve lost the life signs of both away team members.
Admiral Illu: Why?
Transporter Chief: They died.
General Sion: But why did they die?
Transporter Chief: They didn’t activate their high-tech breathing apparatus.
Admiral Illu: Prepare another away team at once!
27 minutes later, another away team has been assembled.
Admiral Illu: Ensign Rob, Lieutenant Berry, may you fare better than the last away team.
Ensign Rob: Why can’t we bring any weapons?
General Sion: The Ninjoctopus do not allow machines in their culture. They are very primitive. We must at least appear friendly and respectful.
Lieutenant Berry: Won’t the mining be done with machines? How will we convince them to do that?
Admiral Illu: You ask too many questions, Lieutenant. Transporter Chief, begin transport.
The away team beams down and are instantly submerged to near the ocean floor, in a thriving cluster of Ninjoctopus activity. They draw some curious glances from the locals, but are largely ignored. Ensign Rob approaches one of the locals.
Ensign Rob: Hey, can I talk with you for a minute?
Local: Time is subjective.
Lieutenant Berry: Do you always speak in platitudes?
Local: That wasn’t a platitude.
Ensign Rob: Anyway, we’re not from here.
Local (sarcastic): You blend in very well.
Lieutenant Berry: Do you wanna know why we’re here?
Local: That’s a very deep question.
Ensign Rob: We’re here to make a deal.
Local: I’m not interested in making a deal with you, but I’ll humor you. What’s your proposition?
Ensign Rob: We’re gonna take some minerals out of your planet’s core and give you something in return.
Local: That’s a bad idea.
Lieutenant Berry: Why?
Local: Because that would disrupt our entire civilization, which, in case you haven’t noticed, is on the sea floor. Just out of morbid curiosity, how would you intend to take minerals out of the planet?
Ensign Rob: With machines, of course.
Local (laughing): Ah, silly foreigners. You cannot have machines here.
Local laughs and walks away.
Ensign Rob: Well, that was rude. What was so funny?
Lieutenant Berry: Oh, he’s just primitive. Well, we could go around wasting our time talking to more locals, or we could go back to the ship, tell them that diplomacy and bribery are useless, and that we should just move them out of the way by force. That’ll be way faster.
Ensign Rob: Whatever you say, sir.
Lieutenant Berry (calling to the USS Jeopardize): Two to beam up.
Scene 3
The Blazing Muffin crew has been on Planet Placer for a few days, getting some much needed relaxation. Tom has been fascinated and impressed with the pleasures of studying alien anatomy up close and personal. Blackjack is in a sensation palace and is interrupted abruptly with a call from Pokher.
Blackjack: Pokher, your timing couldn’t be worse.
Pokher: Sorry, Blackjack. I just got a call from my sister on my homeworld.
Blackjack: What’s new on Planet Tippity?
Pokher: She just got back from Ninjoctopus. She said that there are CUPGASS ships everywhere.
Blackjack: That’s not good.
Pokher: It gets worse. Word is that they’re going to mine Ninjoctopus for Zoom ore.
Blackjack: That planet is completely covered by water. The only place to mine is under the sea floor.
Pokher; Which would completely destroy the Ninjoctopus way of life.
Blackjack; That’s insane. No Ninjoctopus would never agree to that.
Pokher: Of course none of them would. They don’t even allow machines. So that’s why I’m calling you. We should go help them. Some Tippities are going, too.
Blackjack: Well, I guess stopping a million year old civilization from being destroyed by a bunch of statist control freaks is a good reason to interrupt my vacation.
Pokher: I thought so.
Blackjack: Can’t they figure out how to zoom around the universe without violence and coercion?
Pokher: They can. But will they?
Blackjack: Well, I’m not holding my breath. Ok, call everyone back to the ship.
An hour later on The Blazing Muffin, Blackjack and his crew are all gathered on the bridge.
Blackjack: Computer, is everyone here?
Computer: Affirmative.
Blackjack: Is everyone sober?
Computer: Close enough.
Blackjack: Set a course for Ninjoctopus, maximum zip.
The Blazing Muffin streaks towards Ninjoctopus.
Tom: What’s on Ninjoctopus?
Blue: An ancient culture of anarchist Ninja octopi.
Pokher: There are CUPGASS ships there now. When we arrive, I’ll go to the planet’s surface and make contact with my Ninjoctopi friends.
Tom: Can I go?
Pokher: No, and stop interrupting.
Tom frowns.
Pokher: I’ll offer assistance in thwarting the CUPGASS threat.
Pixel: What if they say no?
Blackjack: Then we’ll leave.
Scene 4
On the USS Jeopardize, Admiral Illu and General Sion are talking with Ensign Rob and Lieutenant Berry.
Lieutenant Berry: We tried really hard, sir. Diplomacy and bribery have failed. I recommend just moving them out of the way for their own good.
Admiral Illu: You were only down there for an hour.
General Sion: Not very thorough.
Ensign Rob: You try being underwater for an hour.
Admiral Illu: Watch your tone, Ensign!
General Sion: Well, we might as well prepare the mining teams to go down tomorrow. We’ll coordinate security for them with the USS Demoralize.
Admiral Illu: Ensign Rob and Lieutenant Berry will lead mission security teams.
General Sion: You really think we can count on them?
Admiral Illu: They’re the best we have, unfortunately.
Lieutenant Berry: We’re right here. We can hear you.
Admiral Illu: You’ll go back and lead the mining operations tomorrow. If the locals give any push back, do whatever is necessary to get rid of them.
Ensign Rob: Yes, sir!
To be continued…..
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