The tinkly sound of little metal bells seemed to loudly emanate from my footsteps. Clink, clink, clink...down the supermarket aisle I went. I felt so self conscious today as I searched for organic blueberries. Step. Jingle. Step. Jingle. All through the store.
That it felt louder today is probably in my head. It's the same jingly sound I have worn 24/7 for the last week. Some days I'm more aware of the sound than others… Some days I want to hide more than others. Some days I want to remove the anklet, but learning to be okay with the sound is the point.
You see I am currently going through "jingle therapy". I've been prescribed by my therapist to wear an anklet with a little jingle bell on it 24/7 until my next appointment. Through intensive therapy sessions my therapist has helped me understand why I have long struggled with issues of wanting to stay safe and small, hide myself, not show the world who I really am., etc. So this is a little bit of cognitive behavior therapy. Exposure therapy… I am subjecting myself to little doses of "I can't hide".
It's like immunotherapy… Tiny doses of the irritant builds up an immunity until eventually your body no longer over reacts to the stimulus.
Sometimes I worry that my jingles annoy those around me. Like the other shoppers today...they could hear me lightly jingling as I walked down the shopping aisle beside of them. But then that's part of my therapy... to get over what other people think of me. Every jingle is a chance for me to practice. Somedays I barely even notice the sounds. But then other times, like today at the store, I seem hyper aware of them
😳
Would I be annoyed or offended if I saw another person at the store making a little extra noise as they walked by me? No. I might think it was cute or at worst odd, but I wouldn't be annoyed.
Like what if I passed by a blind person with a cane on the street and I had to scooch over on the sidewalk to let him pass by as he needs more room to sweep the cane back and forth. Of course I wouldn't be annoyed! I would be pleased for him that he found a tool, the cane, which helps him get out in the world and make his way. My tool that helps me get out more in the world is my bells.
Basically it's like I have a split personality. Wanting attention and yet afraid of too much of it, and so I hold myself back In life avoiding that thing I most crave, and yet am most afraid. That's no way to live. I want to get past this. I want to pursue my life interests with full dedication. Without this background mind chatter bullshit second guessing my every step trying to keep me staying safe and small.
Jingle on my friends.