I keep postponing a task until I feel worthy of it, the small unglamorous thing I could do in the next few hours if I actually let myself,
I keep postponing a task until I feel worthy of it, and somewhere along the way I decided that doing it quietly is even harder than I imagined,
I keep postponing a task until I feel worthy of it, so I keep rehearsing a version of readiness that never actually arrives no matter how long I wait for it,
Am I actually protecting the work by waiting, or am I just protecting myself from what it costs to be seen trying, trying to continue the work even the you I already know the purpose,
I keep postponing a task until I feel worthy of it, every day I delay is a day I hand over to a version of myself who was never ready anyway unless I choose to enjoy the process instead…
I keep waiting for a cleaner version of today before I let myself begin, as if the version of today I'm actually standing in isn't good enough to build anything real on,
I keep waiting for a cleaner version of today before I let myself begin, telling myself the mess will settle first, the noise will quiet first, and my head will clear first,
I keep waiting for a cleaner version of today before I let myself begin, and meanwhile the actual hours keep passing without asking my permission to be spent this way,
What exactly am I saving myself for that today, in all its unfinished state, was never permitted to be a part of,
I keep waiting for a cleaner version of today before I let myself begin, and I am starting to suspect that version was never coming, that this is the only today I was ever going to get…
I could take a small step right now that I keep dismissing as insignificant, one that wouldn’t impress anyone or even that push to announce itself,
I could take a small step right now that I keep dismissing as insignificant, and somewhere in me I learned that smallness of a task meant it didn't deserve my full effort,
I could take a small step right now that I keep dismissing as insignificant, so I let it sit undone while I dream up a version large enough to finally matter,
Would I actually respect this step if I took it quietly, or do I only trust the ones loud enough to be witnessed, to be loud and to be that big of a purpose,
I could take a small step right now that I keep dismissing as insignificant, and I am starting to understand that every version I skipped was already enough to begin with…
I built an entire flawless city in my head before I let myself lay one actual brick, a whole finished skyline with roads and rooms and a horizon I could already stand inside,
I built an entire flawless city in my head before I let myself lay one actual brick, and I furnished every corner of it while the real ground outside stayed exactly as bare as I first imagined it,
I built an entire flawless city in my head before I let myself lay one actual brick, and somewhere I mistook the architecture of my imagination for actual progress on the plan I made inside my mind,
Have I been designing a life so complete in my mind that starting the real one now feels like a step down,
I built an entire flawless city in my head before I let myself lay one actual brick, and today I am choosing the crooked, unfinished, imperfect first wall over the flawless one that only exists in my head…
Watchwords:
Until the conditions feel worthy of me,
Waiting for a cleaner version of today,
Dismissing it as too small to count,
An entire flawless city in my head,
The crooked, unfinished, imperfect first wall,
Here is Tikatarot, who dares you to answer the question, “Who am I?”..
As and will always be reminding you to dream:
