Color Challenge Friday - Blue

Wow this was a long time ago...from the year 2000. I was 30. There are rubber balls in my hands that I was throwing for our 3 year old twin boys to swim out and fetch back. They are now 20 and away at college.

My expression in the photo here was a playful attempt to get @sean-king to stop taking pictures of me. I was so uncomfortable in front of the camera back then! Believe it or not that discomfort, to some extent, still pops up from time to time. It's just anxiety. It's worrying about how I look or what someone else may think. It's just old deeply rutted ego patterns trying to protect the various identities I reveal to the world. I am still working to completely overcome this habit.

Only a few of years ago, I literally had no sense of self. I projected who I needed to be depending on my perception of the expectations of those I was with at the time. I Was always scanning and planning trying to fulfill the expectations of others. When you do that habitually you don't even know what your own thoughts or opinions are! No sense of self develops, because who you pretend to be depends on the wind of the moment and the crowd you are within. You guys might think I'm exaggerating, but I kid you not.

For the last three years, under Sean's guidance, I have focused inward. I've journaled and written and examined every emotional trigger as they pop up. I have shared and discussed ALL OF IT as it came up with Sean seeking guidance. I often refer to him as my guru, and I'm not just being cute when I say that. Sean is my soulmate and my life guide. Through this process I have discovered myself, and I will love honor and serve Him the rest of my days in gratitude and adoration.