Maybe for the most of the people the love is something you feel just when you are in love, but a couple years ago i think about this with a rum glass in one hand, sitted right next to a "broken heart boy" (who's fine right now with his gf). I told myself "boy, you, you have broke like three hearts in your life time with the excuse that you were not ready for a serius relationship, but what if you were ready and you don't noticed it?". For some of you, this may not be "a big deal" but for me, it means a lot of nights without a dream. In one of those no sleep nights, i found one answer, and it was "screw love" no "fvck love" (it was what i think back then), so i decided to forget about love, and i start beeing one of thos guys, one of those that just look for one night girls, and it works, it works for a year, but then i felt weird, i felt lonely, it was the first time in my life that i felt like that.
Back then i realice that i was alone, that i used to have no one to talk about how i felt about one movie or something i see in the streets, so i started a cicle, a horror cicle it was "eat, cry, envy, cry again, hate, sleep, repeat", and i did that for three months, in consecuence i get fat, i fall in a deep sadness (it wasn't big enough to call it "depression" but i felt very bad back then). But not everything was lost, i meet someone, a girl who thought that my voice was amazing or my draws beatyfull (draws like this, talk me about it)
She told me, that she loved everything about me (even that ugly belly that i used to have), i just, loved here, she teach me how to smile, how to be open, she showed me the reason why I did not have anyone, and i understand it, i was too shy, too introverted, too sad, i was to close, i was alone just because i take away all the people that one time came to me, but i accepted it, i know she was right, and i'm glad that she showed me that, but like many of those early loves, it have an end, a horrible end.
In that location on my city, looking at these lights i cried again, and i almost get back to the start point, but then i realice that this girl showed me a whole new world and i learn back then, what love means to me.
I think that the love is not just a feelling is some type of living, because you decided, if you want it or not in your life, and when you accept the love in your life, you changed it, i feel like i change the way i see the thinks back then, i noticed that the beautyness is everywhere in a simple "hi, how's your day going?" or in a young kid that smile to his mother, in an old woman that kiss her husband like everyday and like it's them last day toguether, i start to seeing beutyness in all that, in a rose gifted to a gf or in a mom, a mom that waits for me every day, wit a smile on her face, for me the love is in all those acts, and the beauty of the love is undeniable. So i learned that you have not everything in your hands, you can change this and that, but not everything, and if you want to have someone in your life, you have to love yourself and love the little things around you, and it was like that loving those little details of life that i meet long months ago someone. Someone that show me that i can love someone again.
Everytime i look at her, i can't stop thinking in how much i love her, and i think about what would happened if that "first love girl" had never appeareded. Well the only thing that i securely know is, that i don't care about possibilities, because i ust want to live the moments right to her, i want to see her smile, i want to have her in my chest (i like to be lying on her chest to), and if this keep going as it goes then i'll make a plan with her. (here is one of her draws, she's an amazing artist by the way, almost for me, i love her illustrations) Have a great time, and remember to give love
