I have suffered from Anxiety, Depression and PTSD for a long time from a life full of abuse. My PTSD is a story that caused so much trouble in my life I thought that I'd never be " normal."
When I was young, sex wasn't a real talked about topic. The only things I really knew about it were that it was painful and that's about the only education I'd gotten about it. When I tried to be active, I would be scared and it would hurt to even attempt. I figured one day I'd be able to do it but it would take time.
When I was 21, my ex tried to get me to drink thinking that it would maybe help things. I didn't like the taste of the alcohol so that was a flop. We had talked many times about the topic and I made him promise me that he'd never try to force me unexpectedly. Well, this night he did. It was very painful and traumatic... so much so that I didn't have sex again and was terrified to even try it for 7 years. I had other people try, only to get mad at me because as soon as they'd get close I would start crying and jump away. The PTSD of the past event would throw me into a panic attack. I hated it. I wanted to have sex. I wanted to be normal and feel the good things everyone talked about. I felt like I would never get to enjoy sex the rest of my life.
Early this year, I met my boyfriend. He was unlike anyone I'd ever met before, but that depressed me. I was sad because I knew that he wouldn't want me. I felt like he deserved so much more than.. me.
We had one day talked about it. I felt a strong connection with him and I felt like if I could trust anyone it would be him. I told him that I wanted to try for him.. but I thought that there's no way I could do it. He had mentioned that he smoked and part of me wanted to try it. I'd never been high really before aside from a random contact high once. We kind of both had the idea of me getting high. I thought that it would just knock me out into a silly blur or something and wouldn't remember the pain or something, so I figured it was worth a try.
The first time we tried, he brought the stuff and we worked on getting me a buzz. I'd never smoked so it was kind of hard for me to grasp inhaling it enough (And I still have issues with that lol). I remember that night so well. I felt a little lightheaded, but I was still clearly thinking. I had some trouble remembering how much time had passed, but it was nothing like I expected. I was expecting to black out or something.. not have any idea what was going on around me. I was wrong.
I remember lying there, and my worries disappeared. I wasn't afraid anymore. I knew what was happening, and my muscles actually cooperated. I didn't freak out, I didn't cry. I felt calm, and safe for the first time in my life. Of course the first few times were hard, as I have been told by many girls the first times are, but it was nothing like I'd been scared of or experienced that one time.
I am now 29 years old, and have had a normal sex life for months now. I only needed to smoke that ONE time to fight off my PTSD for that situation. I now have a vape that I use when I have bad anxiety or depression and it helps me calm down and stop dwelling on things from the past. Never in my life did I think that I would have a normal sex life.. a normal relationship.. even ever have sex at all. I don't think that I would have ever had the strength to get past this without trying Marijuana to overcome my PTSD.
With all the negativity out there and misinformation about Marijuana, I hope that many people can read about my experience and see that there are more positives and more lives changing for the better.
♥
Squeaker.
