I managed to knock out another gem last night. It's a work of fiction based on real things that could possibly have happened to someone. I won't go into the full plot, it hasn't got one. Suffice to say

"I'm still going to lock my bedroom door tonight." I didn't think I'd shown anything outwardly, but she paused. "That was a joke." I nodded. Knowing full well that it was a half joke

Excuse me while I don my whining and complaining trousers. I do like to dress the part. I think I'm also going to wear my revenge shirt and justifiable homicide socks. That should complete the ensemble.

I knew I didn't know everything, but in my childish arrogance I thought I knew everything I needed to know. So there I was sitting in my favorite spot as always. Right back in the corner with a full view

Word to the wise. It really isn't a good idea to reply to the question "will you still love me when I'm old and fat" with the response "what do you mean when?" I thought she'd get the

A British couple called Jenny and Howard Nash found me on an old, rarely used, trail. More dead than alive. Septicemia had set in and my organs were failing. I had what they call a thready pulse, meaning

The more observant of you might have spotted a change. That's right I've now put my spring underpants on. I know it's not spring yet but the winter ones were beginning to migrate towards the washing machine,

I have a switch. Inside my head. I expect most people do. Mine just works differently. I'm not even sure if I've had it all my life or if something in my life installed it. It's a thing I choose not to

SOMETHING FOR THE KIDDIES - So there I was sexually molesting the startled gazelle when suddenly... Hello children. I'm Uncle Pervert so before we begin, make sure your parents are out of the room and

I've held off on this one for quite some time because frankly it's disgusting. I watched this documentary once about a condition called MECHANOPHILIA. It's predominantly found in men who have sex with

I've got a lot of hate bottled up inside of me. Too many witnesses means I'm not able to vent as frequently as I need to. Every four minutes. It's a medical condition. I have an overactive hate gland.

Well what do you know, looks like almost nobody watched the Oscars. Worst viewing figures ever. They're currently rolling out all the excuses as I write. I'm laughing so much I can barely type. All that

Well the Oscars happened, that's gone now and there's nothing we can do about it. No idea what went on or who won. I can't even remember who won anything last year. Honestly it's far too easy a target

I'm going to open with a very serious question. How much would you charge to kill someone? Obviously it's not for me. I haven't been approached to carry out a hit on someone, who shall remain nameless.

I like women. They make me think. They make me think, how can I shut this woman up? And the answer is nearly always soap opera's. There you go. I've just offended 50% of the population, with an observational

Well I've had to put the whole curtains versus blinds conundrum on the back burner. Gwyneth Paltrow still hasn't got back to me the skinny, lanky, bitch. Now something far more important has cropped up.

I'm going to start today with an indisputable fact, then go all freestyle with it as my evil brain fairies take control. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERSTATE HOW STUPID PEOPLE ARE. Sorry (I'm not really) everyone,

No matter how bad things get it's important to understand that you could indeed be a lot worse off than you actually are. You could be buried under a mountain of debt or suffering from an incurable, terminal

Like everyone else on the planet I never do anything without checking what a celebrities opinion is on the subject. As my late wife would have told you, before she died of breast cancer. Gwyneth Paltrow

They say you can't keep a good man down. I say they just aren't trying hard enough. The thing is I'm always right. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right. That's right. As I look out over my kingdom of child ethnic