I was bewildered at the way my life had changed overnight, it just didn’t make sense to me, a child of twelve. Everyone around me spoke in whispers, this home of ours which was so full of life now seemed like a cloistered monastery. Everyone around me functioned like a automated machine, just doing what needs to be done and nothing more and I for one couldn’t believe that I lived in the same home anymore.
Dad hadn’t been well for a little more than a year, he was diagnosed with cancer. Mom was with him in the hospital for most part of the year while my brothers took turns to keep the home running. Despite all the care dad's heath went downhill really fast that even before we could come to terms with his illness he had passed on. I was daddy's little girl, daddy was the only one who could make me feel good. He always said or did something to make me smile. Now daddy was not there, who could I go to now when I felt so sad and miserable? I was lost.
If days seemed bleak nights were nightmarish. The same dream recurred every night. I always went searching for dad only to find him in odd places, mostly as a homeless person living on the streets, his clothes were filthy and he looked emaciated. The hope that filled my heart when I found him in my dreams (even though it left me with a sense of guilt) dissipated when I woke up to the realization that dad was never going to come back.
Mom was working harder at her job as a teacher, my brothers were either working or finishing their studies at the university, at the outset everything seemed fine, but there was something missing here. My siblings and I never did anything that could upset mother. It was as if we walked on egg shells all the time. A few years later one by one the boys left home for work in other cities and I was left alone with mother who was still grieving.
Months turned into years I finished school and entered a university, yet nothing changed. The dreams continued and so did my sense of guilt and sadness. I was now a young woman with unresolved trauma from childhood. In my head I knew that dad would never comeback but I couldn’t stop those terrible dreams. It wasn't a great thing to wake up every morning to hopelessness and guilt.
However, I ensured that I looked like any other normal woman of my age. I learned to hide my emotions and look like cheerful. I had never once spoken about my pain to anyone in all these years. It was then I met this oldish priest during a retreat. In a very normal sort of way he picked up a conversation with me during a lunch break. In no time I found myself telling him about dad and about my dreams.
"Little one," he said, "you've been through a lot in life than most others at your age. Everything that comes to the earth comes to an end, some sooner than others. Your dad seems to be a man of great integrity and faith and you have learned a lot from him. This is the heritage he has left you and you need it carry forward. He would be very sad to see his little one so miserable. Promise me that you will be do the things that bring you happiness and make an effort to live for yourself from now on."
Tears ran down my face as I heard his words, it was as if dad was speaking to me himself. It struck me that I had never really understood the nuts and bolts of life until then. These simple truths never really struck me the way they did now, hearing them from this man. I sat there in absolute stillness for a long time trying to let those words sink in.
As I learned to keep myself happy, doing the things that brought me joy instead of doing it for others, my fears changed into faith. I believed that I could be happy, that dad wouldn't want me to be miserable. I met this priest each time he came to town and he always had a word of encouragement for me. I gradually began to do well in my studies and in athletics.
The dreams faded slowly. The frequency came down and within a couple of years I didn't have those dreams anymore. Like the priest suggested I wrote all the things I remembered and treasured about dad in my journal. All I remembered then were only the wonderful things about dad, the sadness had gone from my life.
I realized that dad may not be there physically on this earth with me, but he was with me in my deepest thoughts and values by which I lived life. There were two important things dad had left me in his short life, a strong foundation of faith and good values. This understanding I had then has brought me a long way in life. Thanks to that one man who was there at the right time to show me the nuts and bolts of life and help me make that turn around. I have learned to take the good with the bad. I know deep within that this one life which I have been given I have to live well.
Thanks for taking the time to read, I appreciate your support.
