I was lying on that cold operation table, the glaring lights had now been switched off and the pain too had eased considerably. I was awake and fully conscious through the whole surgery except for a brief period when the pain became unbearable. The assisting surgeons were now huddled together a little further from where I lay discussing the surgery perhaps. I looked at the man who asked me, "Don't you want to see your boys become doctors and be well settled in life? Do you have any dreams in life? If you have, then you've got to promise yourself and your boys that you'll take good care of yourself."
Lying in the Intensive care unit of the cardiac section later that day I considered the question of the chief surgeon who spoke to me right after the surgery was over. I thought - who lives life without hope or dreams? What kind of a life would that be? I had hopes of seeing my older son graduate as a neurosurgeon and the younger one as a doctor, maybe an Oncologist as he wished. Better still I wanted to see them married and play with my grand babies someday.
The noise of the heart monitors and crazy machine noises reminded me that nothing is in my control. All through these past two years I had seen people die like flies due to the pandemic. Even now I saw so many young people die due to cardiac issues. Could I tell the surgeon what I thought? He would consider me a mad woman with no faith in herself.
Just a couple of days back my son brought home a card with a picture of a woman much younger than me. She had collapsed in the same hospital due to cardiac arrest, she was a professor there in the college, she was also my the mother of son's friend. She was a healthy woman who went home to feed her other son who is mentally challenged but on her way back (just a five minute walk inside the campus) she collapsed and was brought dead to the ER in a matter of minutes. All efforts to revive her failed. When the end comes is not for us to decide.
I was happy that I was alive, that I was saved because it wasn't my time to die. All I was focused on at that moment was to follow the doctor's advice and make a huge lifestyle change. Sadly this dream went down the drain in the next few days. The inclined hospital bed didn't help my already damaged back. I ended up with a disc prolapse and sciatica. The dream of going out for long walks to keep myself fit became another unrealized dream. I stayed in bed for the next one year hardly able to move.
There were days when I felt miserable and hopeless. I tried hard to keep the tears from trickling down, I didn't want anyone to see my fears and worries. It hurt deep inside. I didn't have any friends visiting me as the fear of covid still hung around. Life within four walls under a colorless ceiling wasn't the life I had dreamed of.
It was that point that I realized no matter how well I plan for life, life just happens. All I could do was keep myself happy and never give up hope.
I tried to pursue my hobbies lying down in bed. I couldn't craft or write in bed, but I tried. I taught my Bible study group from bed every week without fail. "If life throws eggs at you make an omelette," says Nick Bottom in the musical 'Something Rotten'. I did just that.
A few days later that week on a bright Monday morning I got a call from a friend, a friend who told me to get up and get out. She didn't mince words. At first I was upset that she didn't understand my plight. Slowly as I ruminated on her words they made sense to me. I got up and got out. Out of my fears and took my first step into this journey of enjoying each moment as it comes.
This present moment that I am alive, this is the moment I own, the past is behind me, the future may not be mine - this thought kept coming back to me as waves upon the shore, coming in quick succession stronger and bigger each time. The waves bring with them riches from the deepest ocean and lay them on the shore, so did my thoughts they brought revelation upon revelation about how precious this present moment was.
I remembered the time twenty years ago when my back and hip gave way and I couldn't move around without help. I remembered that it took a firm decision on my part to get up and get out. If I could work my way out of that problem, I could work my way out of this one now, I decided. This thought brought hope and happiness once again. A deep peace filled my heart.
There would be limitations but these could only be some kind of obstruction in my path, they didn't have the power to steal my happiness or the strength of my will. I embraced this thought and with it came the peace that comes from understanding life. I let go of the dreams of the past I created new dreams, dreams of waking up each day with joy and determination to do the best I could.
I realized that may not see my younger son graduate, or my older one get married, but who cares. I saw them each day, living their dreams and that made me happy. This was my original dream I had built layers upon layers of dreams over it as the years went by.
It was as if I had turned a new leaf. I became happy once again, there was nothing to keep me down. I was grateful for everything I had. Now I live a new life with new dreams and hope. I look forward to life with no reservations.
