I was thinking about getting a tattoo on one of my arms. For a while I was pretty adamant I'd never get one as I sometimes feel like a weirdo not having one and there's never been a design I've been really attached to. I'm not one of those people who feels the need to profess my love for things with pins & stickers and my desk at work is always ostentatiously bare. I've never been a mega-fan of a tv show and I can't really say that I've fallen madly in love with another writer, with the exception of Philip K. Dick.
I see it as a defect a lot of days - I've been called a chameleon and I'm afraid of losing so much and have lost so much that I never really begin to acquire -things- in the first place. I've heard people say so often "I can never see you wearing [x]" and I can guarantee you I've worn it, whether it be frilly dresses, bustiers, lacy underwear, a shaved head, pearlescent jewelry, a French manicure, muscle tanks, booty shorts, vintage wedding dresses, Blackmilk leggings, pencil skirts, six inch heels, button-down shirts, galaxy print, military jackets, bondage gear, plaid, or fur coats. I see my chameleon status as a symptom of never wanting to stay in one place, my terror of being identified, hunted down, and put on display. (Although) In the last year or so I've mostly found my uniform of black leggings, black shirt, boots, long (usually black) jacket or cardigan, and blonde hair to work for me. I didn't want to get a tattoo because I was shifting and molting and rearranging at such a rapid pace. (Who knows, maybe this is a flighty fancy that will be gone in a week. That happens sometimes.)
I'm 28 and I've heard the brain fully develops around age 25. I'm ready to solidify at least some parts of me. I can hear pieces locking into place that I've determined I want to keep. If I close my eyes and focus really hard I can hear them being quietly powered inside me. I've carried my glowing seed of hope from Oklahoma, to Austin, to Seattle, to San Diego and finally I planted it in the loam of my heart after I'd cleared out some of the debris. The glowing seed will always be a part of my metaphysical structure and now it's a tender sapling, being fed with philosophy books, and acid, and walks with the dogs, and trying out new recipes, and writing new stories, and learning how to love properly, and making friends. I know that the answer to everything is to see it for what it is. That is the answer to depression and death anxiety, that is the answer to the brain trying to rebel against inertia.
Although I don't think I'll wear Jeffrey Campbell Litas anymore and I no longer give a fuck about Chanel, I know my eyes can never sink back without the knowledge that there is another way to live.
"But Autumn," I think, "A tattoo is permanent. You'll never be able to take it back."
I know that I've changed, that I'm ready for real change, because the voice that answers back says, "Everything is permanent, and you can never take anything back. That's how physics works."
(God, it's so hard to be woke, guys. )
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