Life changes. It happens when we want it to and when we don't. Sometimes we have a say in how we journey through life; other days, no matter what you do, your life feels out of control.

Right now, I can relate to not being in control of my life. It upsets me. Makes me angry. Makes me frustrated. Makes me a person that wants to scream. Makes me a person that wants to delve into something familiar for a while and get lost so I do not have to think.

I am sure I am learning many life lessons right now, but to be brutally honest, I do not give a shit about that right now. Right now, I would like one day without the sky not falling on my head. This will not happen soon, but I can still have that wish, right?

flower sketch scaled.jpg

I Drew Flowers

I should write a post because I always feel better after putting my thoughts into words or stories. I leave my feelings on a page, and it feels good. At the end of writing, I can put things into perspective and realize things are not as bad as I think.

Yet, even after writing a post, nothing will change, and tomorrow, the sky will fall again. I will be stressed out. I will take a nap. Talk to God and my Guardian Angels. Get nothing cleaned up, and tomorrow, go through the same shit again.

All the above has been going threw my head for months now. I have not been a ball of sunshine, but I still sleep thinking maybe tomorrow... and think of all the positive things that could, should, but will not happen.

I will wake up and still feel like crap. I will keep my Mom on track to move up to where I live next month. Keep my Hubby happy enough so he doesn't notice all the crap I did not finish months ago. I will put out fires. I will break down and cry. The day will end with sleep to start all over once again.

full scaled.jpg
It took a week to color.

While the above is accurate and depressing, I keep moving forward because there is no other choice. Standing still doesn't help anyone. Stopping is not an option. Ahead and through is the only choice.

Life will start looking up if I keep moving forward. I do not have concrete evidence that this will be true. A lot of faith is involved in knowing I am going in the right direction, even though each day is a struggle.

I have learned through the years that when things become this depressing, you must look around and find the small things to hold on to. I have learned I need to reach out when I sit with tears running down my face because I am overwhelmed with life.

I have learned that reaching out doesn't mean telling someone your life story and making them feel depressed. Reaching out means connecting to others so you remember that you are alive. That you can laugh at a joke. You can listen to someone else's problems and offer them yourself so they know they are not alone.

plant scaled.jpg

I finally repotted my Aloe plant from @Ecoinstante! My plant still lives!!

There is no shame in needing others. There is no shame in having a laugh when times are tough. There is no shame in taking an hour for yourself and connecting with others you care about.

We are all just human. We all want to feel heard. We all want to know we are needed in this world. We think this way in good times and depressing times. You do not notice it as much in good times because you put yourself in the world more.

In bad times you might have to look for that connection with others. I am not saying you must knock on people's doors and ask them for a hug. For me reading my friend Jan's story Humans in Space. gave me a place to go when I had a few minutes. I loved reading daily to see where he would take the story. By reading his story, I felt connected, and by leaving a comment, I felt seen. It was enough to keep me going some days.

I watched a video called Camping ALONE in an ANCIENT CLIFFSIDE Monastery about a man exploring Turkey. This man was in a part of Turkey that looked almost jungle-like. Among the rocks that jutted skyward, old Christian buildings decayed from time and the elements. This man wanted to spend one night high up in the ruin he could see. He found the man that now owns the land to ask permission to camp there.

The landowner, Mr. Nizam, said he could stay there for one night, but the way to the ruins was dangerous, so he would show him the way the following day. The video of the sixty-year-oldish landowner helping the man carry all his equipment up the trail was heartwarming. You could see the joy in the landowner's face assisting a young man to see his part of the world.

Watching the whole video made me smile until it freaked me out. Mr. Nizam never saw the final video footage because he died on my birthday a year ago. A strange coincidence that I watched a video made by someone I had never watched before, and it just so happened that a beautiful giving soul was shown to me who happened to pass away on my birthday date?

I have talked to him a few times since I saw the video, and it always brings a smile to my face.

Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, KITTY!! 😹

Last, I will bring it up tonight. Every Friday night, @TheAlliance has something called 'Family Night'. I was running a little late because I was talking to my son, @Ecoinstant, who has been a HUGE rock for me to lean on this past month or so.

I jumped into The Alliance voice channel, still wound up and very stressed. Everyone in the channel let me babble on about... I have no idea what I said. All I knew was I was welcome, listened to, and seen. I also felt the weight lift from my shoulders after my babbling ended and others started talking.

Everyone who jumped into the voice channel followed the same pattern. Babble, babble, babble, laughter, Oh! I am talking too much; I will let others speak. More laughter was had. I needed to be a part of others' lives and hear how they were doing. I was calmer after I left and grateful to know such wonderful people.