Wearing the inside out

It took 43 revolutions about the sun for me to finally surrender. Time measured in a human life span merely serves to provide context. Had I known that surrender was a bona fide option, I might have done so at a much younger age. Perhaps at 22 after I'd nearly lost my life in an incident resulting in multiple puncture wounds to my torso. Or perhaps at age 25 after getting fired from a job for what be the first among several terminations over the years. Or how about the first business venture to go bust at age 28? Divorce? Bankruptcy? All of these events were spread out over years, and even as resilience tends to wane as we weather the storms along the way, we eventually do recover. Until we simply cannot any longer. We are then at a choice point. Change or die. It's a riveting, if not frightening, space to be in. Surrender we must, or die we will.

And so for me, it required a series of "blows" to my psyche to finally poke enough holes in the drums buried deep deep down in my limbic system, and out oozed an emotional toxic slurry leaving me desperate and destitute. I was beyond humbled. I was defeated. Yet, I didn't want to give up, or give in. I wanted to live, despite the extraordinary pain that would soon escalate into physical symptoms further exacerbating my fears. So I actually had to give in. I quit fooling myself and turned inward. It was here in a meditation many years prior that I was given a message, "Your greatest partnership is with your Self." At the time, I heard it in terms of my mental game, which was only part of the bigger picture. It's about forging a bond with the wounded inner child and working together to build a dynamic, living connection with Divine Creator. So I finally started letting go and letting God.

Ho'oponopono is the foundation of my practice for participating in the evolution of my soul and actualizing it's full potential in service of all Creation. As I'm shedding karma with every humble and graceful petition to Divinity, my life force replenishes and my body rebuilds from the rubble of an ancestral legacy undone. Make no mistake, it is an arduous process which still overwhelms me at times.

For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.

Psalm 40:12-13

However, in nearly 2 years of the practice I am beginning to witness profound changes in my behavior, disposition and contribution to humanity. It is only in a birthing stage and such a tender time to be cleansed anew. My margin for error has narrowed considerably as I stray from the mark I'm learning to reign it back in with incessant forgiveness, gratitude and compassion. In so doing, I am working from the outside in, wearing the inside out, and really beginning to shine...