Today. Is it today, yesterday, or tomorrow? I can’t tell. They’re all the same to me. My eyes barely closed laying in bed. The shaking is uncontrable. I’m curled into the fetal position trying to slow my mind, breathing, and heart rate but it just won’t stop. After 45 minutes of literally thinking I’m about to die of something, a calm begins to take hold. My body begins to relax. The klonopin has kicked in. Great, now I can function like a normal person! Only for 8 hours of course before I end up in another ball of shakes and wanting to bite my tongue off.
Driving down the road, trees, birds, and that one place I love to eat...Well I use to love to eat. I use to love alot of things. Like, friends, going out and having fun, and hobbies. Now those things are as foreign to me as anxiety and depression are for those extremely happy people I saw today. I want to be that happy. Why don’t I feel happy?
Suddenly I feel as if I can’t breathe. My muscles tighten and my heart begins beating so fast I feel a burning sensation on the left side of my chest. I begin to pull the car over because I’m afraid I might pass out behind the wheel, WAIT! my brain screams, atleast if you wreck someone will know to call 911 because you’ve passed out! So I keep driving. I begin screaming and crying trying to determine the best case scenario but with anxiety you’re always stuck in worst case scenario.
Hey doc, been 4 months, hows it going? “Great just great. How are you?” Well I’m feeling....”great heres your prescription. See you in 4 months.”
Thanks...I guess.
I feel, well I use to feel, now the SSRI’s just make me numb. It’s suppose to make me normal right? This isn’t normal. This is as far from normal as I’ve ever been. Why don’t I care for much of anything anymore? I mean I care for my family and such, but to say I’ve now become nihilistic would be an understatement.
Happy, whatever the fuck that is or was, I haven’t felt that in a long time. All I do now is function. Like a machine. I am just here.
Existing but not living.
