I've been completely shut down for the past few days. You guys, my friends, and followers here are some of the most amazing people I've had the pleasure of meeting, there is no way I'd leave you in the dark on my issues. Writing is a big part of my therapy and has always been, strap yourselves in. This is going to be a rollercoaster.
Looking back to how I was in middle school, recently after taking my current Psyche class am I finally beginning to understand what happened to me and why things were this way. My days started early, running cross country before school, then attending my classes for the day. Other than playing first chair violin, many of my other classes were marked with the letters GT. Back then, I didn't understand that these were "gifted and talented"; meant for students that learned differently. I would have regular counselor visits, and some days after school, I would be doing projects for our school's robotics team. I had a 3.8 GPA. Instead of medicating me, everyone saw promise to be nutured.
On the days where I didn't have robotics, I would be in a rush to leave school. I got picked on a lot and didn't have friends, so I would spend a few hours a day playing a game in an arcade near my house. That game was Dance Dance Revolution.
The uplifting melodies helped me to cope with not understanding anyone around me, and it was good excerise, and enjoyable to play- Even if it was always by myself. One day I was followed by a couple of classmates that always wondered where I would go, and they began to play with me. Eventually, some of the older kids asked me why I didn't play competitively and eventually I hit the tournament scene.
Rhythm games take years to gain skill in, and behind every happy song, there is also a sad person longing for connection with others. This genre has it's own philosophies and understandings, almost a secret world shared between these types of players, and everyone is extremely kind. We know what it's like to immerse yourself to that degree, away from everything, everyone.
About 4 years ago, I met someone through rhythm gaming who was determined to be my friend after watching me play a game. I was going through some heavy depression at the time, and he had me start playing two games to redirect my energy to something more fun. Those two games were League of Legends and Osu! I would spend a long time playing both, trying to find myself. Unknown to me at the time, all of my friends would also pick up games in hopes to break that wall that stood between me and everyone else. How deep was the abyss?
I have always had the motto/adage; "If I can do it, anyone can." I truly believed that everyone was the same, same capabilities... potential? I didn't know my behavior would come off as bossy, or demanding. At some point, my friends started to be on edge, worried, that they were not good enough for me. I was ignorant to others completely. Everyone is different, learns, and does things in a way that makes sense to them. More and more I began to realize that my thoughts, beliefs, and philosophies I held so dear only made sense to me. I was insane otherwise, because my friends didn't understand me.
They all really tried to, and I pushed them all away. I made fights and arguments, and stopped explaining myself because no one would ever understand me. I destroyed a friendship with one of my best friends, and I would give anything to be considered a friend to them again. I was scared of not being able to connect properly, and ruined every chance to resolve my problems. This time last year, I successfully severed all of my friendships. I've closed myself off, wondering where exactly did I go wrong.
I came to Steemit, met all of you, and actually began to look forward to the chats in Discord, the projects and initiatives I've been asked to help and moderate, and all of the kindness that everyone has given me since I've arrived. That is my secret, I've felt the pain of losing those most important to me, this is why I am a friend to anyone that asks. I never want to feel that way ever again. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again.
That the close friend I hurt the most, had been going through a lot of bad things recently and there is no doubt in my mind that I caused a good part of that. I froze when I heard the news recently from another friend, instead of trying to mend all of the things I've done wrong, instead of properly apologizing, I tried to forget and start over with a clean slate.
This is what is known in Psychology as resetting yourself to an earlier time. I keep plushies and stuffed animals, and toys to remember a time when I really believed everything was okay, when I still had hope.
I've put myself back into isolation again recently, regressing back into rhythm gaming as my own therapy because I couldn't move forward. I've since apologized to my friends asking for forgiveness, realizing that I failed to communicate and open myself up properly I hope that I can move forward with everyone else together. I got back into playing Osu, but it feels different this time. Music is my most favorite thing that I return to when I'm lost. Most of the songs were given to me by these friends, and when I play these songs all of the memories attached to them unlock themselves. For a moment I can relive the time when I felt joy, and that everything was going to be okay.
I know I can't do this forever, but regressing like this is helping me for now. I really want to fix the friendships that I've damaged and create new memories. It sometimes feels like I'll stay broken forever, but I have faith that one day it really will all be okay again.
I learned that as long as my friends are happy, I'm happy too whether I can share the furture with them or not. I've been really selfish, and not trying to understand those around me. If I want people to listen to me, I need to listen to them first.
This lesson came at a huge cost, and there isn't a day where I wish that we could make things okay again. I'm sorry for being gone for a while, but I will slowly be working on all of this.
