(Warning: not a writer—just a thinker)
I find this difficult to write because it’s a thought I’ve always carried in my head. Recently, I saw a video by the beautiful Sandra Hart on youtube and it really hit me.
I sometimes imagine myself standing before an audience. My face is blurred, my audience divided. I stand in the center, changing faces, shifting roles as different people approach me. I don’t feel real. The only thing that feels solid is the dampness of my sweaty pits and the tremble in my hands after every interaction.
I won’t say I hate attention, But it’s that I can’t control every thought, every gaze, every word that surrounds me. I want to be beautiful, calm, and collected always. But that’s when the facade cracks.
I am human.
I am getting better, though. I tell myself her words over and over again. I take slow breaths and look around me. I notice how eyes avert, how hands shake ever so slightly, trying not to be noticed.
We are all a bit shaky.
We are all human, after all.
And if I don’t know how to act or perform—so what? If they see me differently—so what? I will go home and cuddle with the knowledge that I see myself, I know myself (still knowing).
And that is all that matters.