Last time we worked on understanding people you disagree with or dislike. Now it's time to start putting your empathy into action!
If you are not yet confident about your ability to use your empathy proficiently, start small. Go and listen. Listen at the water cooler, at the coffee shop, at the ball game. Keep your mouth shut. Be a voyeur. Listen to people’s conversations and imagine what it’s like to be them.
When you feel more confident, you can start to engage people. But here’s the important part: don’t state your own opinions about anything unless you are asked. Just listen intently, hang on every word, ask for more details. Be genuine. Care. It isn't about you. It’s about them. And when you understand their position, tell them!
People will love you for it. Everyone wants to be understood. You might make unexpected friends.
You can engage people this way about any topic. You know that guy Bob? The one in the office you can’t stand because he’s always going on about how he hates dogs? He was bitten by a Doberman at the age of two, and never got over the trauma. You didn’t know that because you never asked him about it. You just avoided him because it’s obvious that no compassionate and reasonable person could hate dogs.
Listen to him. Maybe one day he’ll ask you why you love dogs. And he might actually be interested, because he knows you are someone who understands him, and that makes your opinions valid.
Maybe you don’t know Bob the Dog Hater. Maybe for you it’s Timothy the Conspiracy Theorist, who is full of conspiracy theories about 9/11. Or Susan the Whiner, who is crying around about another relationship mishap every other day. She’s shallow, annoying, and brings all her problems on herself. Maybe so, but have you ever tried to find out why?
I know what you’re thinking. But what about your aunt Judith, the crazy one who is always predicting the second coming of Jesus?
She keeps telling you that you need Jesus in your life or you’re going to Hell because you live a life of sin and haven’t repented for it. God, you can’t stand that woman. You make nice with her at Christmas and Thanksgiving, but whenever religion comes up, you duck your head and grind your teeth. Empathize with her? Hell no!
Guess what? She cares about you. She actually believes the stuff she’s saying. She believes her (and your) life on earth is just a drop in the ocean of an eternity which will be spent in Heaven or Hell. For her, it’s about your immortal soul. She’s not winning any converts with her rants, but she means well.
What you don’t know is that she needs religion to make sense of the world. She needs an anchor, something to keep her grounded so she won’t get lost in the chaos of the world. She needs to believe in an eternal future because she doesn’t see a way to achieve true happiness in the present. It’s her hope. She will cling to it more strongly than life itself because it gives her a reason to get up in the morning. She won’t tell you that because she’s not even aware of it herself. But you’ll hear it between the lines if you listen.
Maybe she’ll start to realize that you aren’t like the rest of the hellbound. You are someone who understands her, even though you don’t share her opinions. And maybe, just maybe, some of her more extreme views will start to soften. I’ve seen stranger things.
But remember, that's not the point. Don't go into it with an agenda, or your empathy will fade and you will end up with negative feelings or stuck in an argument. You aren't trying to convert her. You are just trying to make a connection, to understand her point of view and let her know it. Nothing more.
Of course, there are some people you may never be able to reach with empathy. Don’t waste your effort trying to connect with people who are clearly uninterested. Listen to the ones that want to be heard. There are plenty.
Want to take things to the next level? You can start by diversifying your information sources to increase your exposure to opinions you disagree with. If you surround yourself with like-minded people and information sources, your own opinions will be constantly reinforced. This makes it more and more difficult to relate to or understand other points of view.
Broaden your social circles and expand the range of conversations with the contacts you already have. Talk about subjects you don’t agree on. Don’t seek out arguments, just listen to other people's opinions. The more often you hear opinions you disagree with from people that you like and respect, the easier it will be to start seeing those opinions as valid or at least understandable. After all, your friends are good and reasonable people, right?
Listen, ask questions, hear people’s stories, find out why they believe what they believe. Listening leads to understanding, understanding leads to empathy, and empathy leads to healing. So let’s do our part. Let’s listen to our friends and neighbors and relatives, even our enemies, and find out what motivates them to see the world differently than we do.
It's not our job to evangelize or convert others to our point of view. Our job is to understand. To empathize. We don't have to agree with those who feel differently from us, but we can still listen to their grievances, their pain and anger and dissatisfaction, and we can try to understand. And empathize.
And then let’s do the hardest and noblest thing: keep our mouths shut and not try to convince them that they are wrong.
This is a slightly modified and expanded excerpt from an original article (written by me) that first appeared on my blog at http://www.shawndove.com/blog/.
Empathy workshop, part 1: Why the world needs more empathy
Empathy workshop, part 2: How to increase your empathy
Empathy workshop, part 3: Getting better at understanding people you dislike or disagree with
Other articles by me:
Intolerance is fear of the unknown
The old man on the bench (a flash fiction story)
That was the final part of the empathy workshop. If you found it useful or interesting, or if you have any questions, please leave a comment!
