I’d be lying if I said this was easy.
As the saying goes nothing worthwhile should ever come easy. I know I could abscond from this facility make a couple phone calls and blaze the rest of the week away in a hail of Booze drugs and sex…. Sounds like fun but after over a decade of this I know the instant gratification will only make for further turmoil down the road. I was on my last legs of this lifestyle. My family couldn’t continue seeing the damage I was doing to myself and if I’m being honest the thought of ending my life was starting to seem like the easiest way out. Since when has topping yourself ever been an easy option. You truly realise once you’re at that point how far down the rabbit whole you have gone.
So as I have said prior here I am, writing down my thoughts and trying… truly trying to put these demons to rest. This isn’t my first time in a rehab facility like this. I successfully kicked an oxycontin habit back in 2013. The day I got out and returned home my wife left me. I truly though that was rock bottom and I managed to steer my life back into a positive or what I thought was a positive direction. The suboxone programme ensured I didn’t relapse but drugs were still a large part of my life although oxy and pain meds were not. I was a newly divorced bachelor trying to find my place and naturally the access to other substances like cocaine afforded me the lifestyle I wanted at the time. Fast forward 4 years and before I knew it I was addicted to Benzos and virtually any other upper I could get my hands on.
I’m determined this will be my last time I relapse and continually damage myself with substance abuse. For one I couldn’t put my family through it again and secondly, I c ouldn’t do it to myself again. Creatures of habit are nothing but creatures and it’s time I dropped my habitual spiral to the inevitable outcome of death.
So I’ve given up benzos and pot finally as I mentioned prior and I’m sitting on day 3 of my programme. It was a tough day, I slept all around 2 hours and was thrust into group therapy sessions without having the time to gather my thoughts and recuperate. The subject - positive thinking and reinforcement. It’s hard to be positive when your hardwired to expect the best from yourself. I am at core a perfectionist and realising I needed the time to gather my thoughts highlighted how far I still must come.
There’s an inspirational young man in here that truly made me realise how miniscule my problems are in the grand scheme of things. It’s not to say my problems are insignificant, but perspective and removing one’s thoughts and taking a step back can really make you realise how selfish one can be during recovery. This young male is an amputee at the age of 21, he suffered a horrific injury from a moving train that removed the lower half of his leg yet not once have I seen this man cry poor me or woe is life, as I said, truly inspirational, 5 minutes in this young man’s presence was more perspective than I could handle. I truly felt like a POS. Here I was sooking about not having a cigarette and enough time to wake up yet here is a man that can manage to put a smile on his face and remain positive in a situation that would have people in a catastrophic state. Perspective... It can truly make you wonder.
My day turned upside down after our quick chat and smoke. I have my health and although I have my problems they truly seemed miniscule in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps recovery won’t be so hard, saying you can’t be sad because someone has it worse is like saying you can’t be happy because somebody else has it better. It’s an oxymoronic statement.
The rest of the day seemed to flow smoothly, I hit the gym, ate 3 solid meals and interacted with people going through the same motions and issues as myself. The urge to score is still there but I’m thankful booze was never a cause or root of my problems as I have seen alcoholics suffering so hard they started to drink hand sanitizer to try and get wasted.
Today’s entry seems a little long winded and perhaps I have started running in circles but all in all it was a step in the right direction.
Woe is me no more. Not when there’s a young bloke that can find to put a smile on his face even in the direst circumstances.
I am a product of my own choosing and it’s time to accept this. It’s not the dealers fault for supplying me drugs it’s not my ex-wife that’s made me bitter and build up walls and trust issues. It’s me and only me and perhaps now I am starting to see this I can gain traction and find the strength to see this through.
