My life seems very normal from the outside. I wake up, work during the day, talk to people, and go to bed at night with a tired body. But inside this normality, there are many feelings that are not told to anyone. Because not everyone wants to hear, and not everyone can understand.
I am a person who easily notices the little things in others. Whose voice is a little heavy today, who is not smiling like before, who is suddenly talking less—these things do not escape my eyes. So I look for them on my own. I think if someone looked at me like that, I would like it too.
Every day I give time to someone or the other. Sometimes I listen; sometimes I just stay by your side. Even if I am upset, I keep it to myself, because I think that it is more important now. As I keep giving, it eventually becomes a habit. And when it becomes a habit, people don't notice it anymore.
I realise that in most relationships, I take the lead. I start talking, I keep in touch, and I try to keep the situation in order. At first, all this seems normal. But gradually, when I see that everything stops when I stop, then my mind calms down a little.
There are some days when I am very quiet. On purpose. Not to test anyone, but just to understand my own fatigue. On those days, the real picture becomes clear. Very few people notice. Most of them go on with their normal lives. This hurt me a lot at first. I used to think, Am I so unimportant? Does it really matter if I'm not there? Then I would blame myself. I used to think, Maybe I expect too much, think too much.
But over time, I realised—it's not a crime to ask for a little attention from people. It's not a weakness to want to give importance to your feelings. In fact, I just wanted to be human.
There were relationships in my life where everything would be fine if I was there. If I smiled, the atmosphere would be better; if I spoke, everything would be sorted out. But if I broke down, no one would see it. Because I always acted like I was strong.
While acting like this, one day I suddenly felt very empty. I felt like I was very alone even among so many people. That's when I first realised—even if everyone was there for me, not everyone was there for me. Still, there are some people with whom these heavy feelings become lighter. They don't do much. They just listen attentively. If I am silent, they ask. They look into my eyes and try to understand. These people are very few but very true.
These few relationships have kept me alive. They have taught me that not all relationships are the same. Some relationships are not based on words but on feelings. There I don't have to be anything different. On the other hand, I have gradually distanced myself from many relationships. No quarrels, no complaints. I have just understood that it is not right to stay where I feel small again and again. Saving myself is also a responsibility.
Earlier, I thought that all relationships should be kept. Now I understand that letting go of some relationships is the best way to be peaceful. Because where you only have to give, one day or another it has to end. Now I am much more aware. I see who listens to me attentively and who just spends time. Who feels my presence, and who is just used to it? I have learnt to understand this difference.
My desires are very simple now. I don't want anyone to always be by my side. I just want someone to think about me when I'm not there. Someone to ask me questions when I'm silent. Someone to take it seriously when I'm in pain. I'm no longer looking for a perfect person. Not even a perfect relationship. I just want people who will try to understand me. Who will see me as a person, not as a habit?
Now I show a little kindness to myself. I don't deny it when I'm upset. I value my tiredness. I no longer try to prove myself everywhere.
Because I understand—you can't find anyone by losing yourself. You can't be good by suppressing your feelings. Even if I'm alone today, it doesn't feel as scary as it used to. Because at least I'm by my side. I'm not minimising my pain. In the end, the biggest lesson of my life is one—I should be where I don't feel alone. The rest will fall into place with time.
