Sitting on my therapist's couch, I released the breath I was holding. I was a bit nervous about what I was going to read. I've been trying to understand so many things but mostly, I've been trying to understand myself.
How did I end up in therapy?
I have always known what I wanted to do right from age 14, but while navigating my way through the university, my perspective and the world began to change. New trends and new waves of innovative solutions popped up. I thought I had everything figured out, but I quickly realized that I had only chosen what I wanted to do to feel a sense of belonging. After writing my final exams, I started dealing with midlife crises. I decided to confide in one of my older friends about my situation. And what he said made it worse.
When I asked him, he said, "But you are very talented. How are you still struggling with midlife crises?" The bottom line is that I'm on my therapist's couch because I want to answer that.
Two days ago, my therapist gave me a task. She asked me to write a letter to my 16-years old self, confirming my life choices, and stating what I'd have done differently to bring fulfillment. I wrote the letter and she was waiting for me to read it.
"Ooh, you were waiting for me," I asked, feigning innocence.
"Yes, Jay. Read at your own pace, but make sure all your words are sincere."
After a good minute of breathing exercises, I picked up my paper sheet and started reading my letter to my 16-year-old self. It read;
Dear me,
You are a replica of your choices and it is okay to deal with a mid-life crisis. It means you are willing and actively seeking the direction leading to your destiny. It is also beautiful that you have taken a great step to fight ignorance and do some soul-searching, starting from your therapist's couch.
You have always done things differently, especially when they do not feel right to you and it has helped you greatly. You learned not to care what people say, as somebody somewhere would always have something to say.
You have taken bold steps and learned to set priorities and you have kept your morals with you all the way.
But sometimes, your principles limit you. They are great, but there are some areas where you do not need to play it safe. There are areas where you should not have let your loved ones' words get to you. You are talented. But sometimes, you need to leave your principles behind and get exposed to the knowledge and courage enough to propel you to reach for the stars.
Dear 16-year-old self, actively seek knowledge. Friends would come and their lifestyle may pressure you to feel a sense of belonging, but stay strong. Enjoy yourself, but only expose yourself to the right people because your growth attracts opportunities and opportunities attract people.
I know you blame yourself for a lot of things that are not your fault, but as you are going away to college, drop that burden. Free your mind from stress and cater to your health. You are still a child and you are not fully responsible for your loved ones. Stop being an adult and embrace the process. Stop trying to be in control of your life because you would end up not seeing some loopholes that you should mend. You stayed true to yourself and trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Overall, trust God and stick with him because nobody cares about you the way he does. He is your Father and He would give you wings to fly. No matter where you are or what you do, never forget that.
When I finished reading my letter, I had tears in my eyes and I noticed that Mrs. Coker, my therapist, was cleaning her eyes. I felt good saying every sentence out loud. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
"Jay, that was beautiful," she started. "You have acknowledged the cause of your crisis in your letter which is a huge step. And from your letter, you have taken on so much because you blame yourself for things that are not your fault and you need to relax and take a step back." I nodded my head slowly because she was talking the truth.
"I'm going to give you a task. For the next two days, I want you to avoid thinking about any responsibility. Allow your loved ones to shoulder their issues. Don't even think about them for the next two days. Come by my office on Thursday so that we could talk about the results," she concluded.
"Thank you Mrs. Coker," I stood up to give her a big hug. She helped me put a lot into perspective. Coming out of Mrs. Coker's office, I felt a unique sense of belonging. I was on a new journey, one where I was the priority.
