I tend to smile when I feel pain.
Its an art I've practiced all my life. Its hard because its a lot like teaching your face to lie, which is daunting but I'm sure is quite possible (Not sure if I'm doing it right actually). I used to be in a lot of school productions, and I've had about a year or so practice while being a TV extra as well. But the art itself was born in struggle. When your the kid in the back of the class trying to lay low you learn to emulate the people around you. I'm not sure why this is important but it works well as a comforting factor I believe. People tend to ask you if you are OK, or if something is wrong when you are depressed or down (In fact they do this way too often). They do this to a point where you would like for them to maybe not notice your face.
I found that in smiling, or seeming happy that most people would just leave you be. Which is funny now that I think about it, as an adult it is just the opposite. When you seem stoic or depressed people that do not know you won't bother you at all. I think its based on what we need. When younger you find yourself more connected to the feelings others, and its so much easier to connect with someone else's feelings. But as you get older its as if someone else's happiness seems desirable (as if we miss being happy) Of course it could just be me, but I sometimes find it enjoyable to live vicariously through others.
Meh... I'm sure that is mostly opinion if anything.
Either way the fact is a skill that many share is hiding pain. We go to work everyday, and repeat the same moves while always wanting just a bit more out of life than we already have. It sounds like a pretty bleak deal on the surface but it speaks to the human experience. We sort of stumble forward through life just barely surviving the struggle. Yet in looking back on our experiences we have feelings of nostalgia and longing at times. For me feelings of sadness is all a part of the experience. Have you ever heard the saying spice of life?
I'm sure we all understand the connotation to that saying. but do we understand how important it is to feel down, and feel up. A good laugh can fill you with energy just as much as a nice long cry.
That being said I would never wish sadness on another person... Even if I felt that a person without sadness is missing out on one of life's gifts. Experiencing sadness is proof that you have also experienced joy, or love...
I see it all the time unfortunately, people come by my office all the time and spill some of their worst emotions on my desk. A lot of times I can shield myself from just feeling bad with them, but most of the time (especially when I can see pain on their faces) most of the time I feel it in a potent way. Its harder for me to share in the joy of others, I've never been quite sure why, but in knowing that I've always made an effort to stand in their shoes. But feeling sadness...
Its like an ache in my chest that waited much to long to show itself. It was already there attached to some dark thought I already had seething inside. A weird mass that awaits anyone's pain to come through and touch it just enough to create a tether. In the end I somehow become this soothing agent for the friend I listen to while only compiling my own thoughts on top of theirs internally.
It gets so bad that at times I'm talking to a friend and I find myself venting for hours on hand. This sorta happens once every 6 to 7 months. And its not something I can stop... Nor do I really want too
I will make a pact to try my best to not unload on my friend for now, just because I don't believe its completely fair to him. But in the end that is a crap load of pain that I will keep for myself. Fortunately it doesn't make me feel stressed or dysfunctional, it just sort of makes me not very fun to talk to I guess.
But I think I can live with that, I'm comfortable keeping to myself in the end...
When I look at other people I weigh my pain in terms of them, and I understand that it is relative...
And I don't feel so alone
Just a thought from Sen,
