I have always had a certain fear of people...
In my mind everyone could have been aliens sent to study me, or that my closest friends could be planted spies with the goal of sabotaging my future. Or maybe even time travelers from the future sent back to stop me from becoming president of the United states. :O
I was never sure if I understood what people intended, or if maybe a girl glanced at me because she found me attractive or was disgusted by my presence. As a student in school, and even as a professional today I tend to keep myself shielded. Always prepared for the best and the worst at the same time. In a way I believe it makes me seem in-genuine, fake, or even robot like. If you were to describe me as a bland person I would probably accept that as an accurate conclusion... but that isn't what I receive.
You're a good person
You're the nicest person I know
You never seem sad
There is irony in that to me. In my mind I am mostly conflicted, and most often sad. Not depressed by any means, but I like to listen to sad music, I like to feel moments, and the moments that resonate mostly me are unfortunately sad.
It makes me think of Robin Williams a bit. I wonder if we may have had that in common. I mean I think what people see on the outside isn't at all what is happening on the inside of a person. Before I continue I reassure you that I don't have any urges to leave this mortal coil early in any manual way. I love life, like I love .... LOVE. Its just that I see people interact everyday with no personal intimate connection. We spend hours with our cell phones, talk about our favorite shows, even complain about our mates. It sorta makes me feel ... Lonely
But something seems to be missing.
There are people you will meet that will alter your life immensely. And they will in turn have the power to affect the energy you put out into the world. May it be good energy or bad energy it is still energy you will radiate to others everyday. Your environment will surly be affected by your presence even if it isn't your intent. So you must certainly expect your relationships to affect those around you as well.
Relationships are difficult to navigate, but some people seem to be just fine with this experience. While for some (myself included) its more like standing in the middle of an orchestra and searching for a single note among the harmonizing reverberations. Which brings me to my problem...
While looking for those specific notes and a sea of music, I find myself ignoring the song.
In relationships we have to listen to the whole song, pay attention to the whole person. lest we miss some part of the experience.
Perceive who they are to you, learn who you are to them.
Only then does your relationship evolve.
Only then can you feel WITH them.
Of course this could all just be noise in the end, but that's up to you right? I don't have very much experience understanding the inner workings of people to be honest.
But I indeed love, Love.
Sen,