One thing that has baffled me is how some people are total screw-ups in life, yet are able to get by happy and satisfied with themselves. I'm not implying that they are 100% happy 100% of the time, but they are certainly content with their position. They stand by the decisions they make, even knowing that they are likely not for the best for themselves or for others. They lack a general sense of reflection upon themselves, and thereby are able to continue with their ways without ever changing - or changing in small ways.
That sounded very condescending, but to be completely frank, I am rather jealous of this type of person. Not jealous in terms of the decisions they make, but rather, of the fact that they are able to remain content despite so many things in life pushing against them. They have something within them that I seem to profusely lack.
In the quest for self-satisfaction, I find myself acknowledging as many of my problems as I can and thoroughly disparaging myself for continuing to have those problems, even though I am knowingly in the process of fixing myself. I cannot seem to forgive myself for not being the perfect version of myself even though I know that it's a work in progress.
Thus, despite all logic and reason, I continue to dislike myself, and in times of depression, even hate myself. At my lowest, I was wishing such terrible things upon myself... I don't even want to share them here. I typed them down a few years ago, and while it was "nicely written," it's not something that anyone should see.
I'll keep it simple: the bottom line is that until I reach the perfect version of myself, I don't think I am ever going to like myself. However, at the same time, reaching for perfection is a total fallacy: goals constantly change, perfection is not something that's completely definable, and humans are, by nature, imperfect.
So what is the result of all of this?
That I will go fluctuating between disliking myself and hating myself, even as I actually improve in multiple areas of life. It's horrible and painful to consider this. It will make the process of changing for the better much harder than it has to be.
So how do I reconcile this?
In the past, I've told others the genuinely good advice that they should not aim for perfection, but merely to improve themselves, and to allow for off-days and some losses, that it's acceptable to not reach our goals as long as we try.
This remains solid advice. I just can't seem to apply it to myself. I seem to have higher expectations of myself than anybody else.
Thus, the solution may lie in lowering my expectations of myself. The expectation to be perfect is simply... dumb. The expectation of making progress is reasonable. I've tried to convince myself of this before, yet cannot seem to shake the goal of holding myself to the highest expectations.
Is it because of some type of ego? Do I hold such high expectations because I want to better than everyone else? Possibly, but the actual result is that I view myself as lower than anyone else. I strongly value humility, and by keeping myself so low, I am, in a sense, fulfilling this value.
I don't know. There's a bit of paradox going on here. How can I possibly be humble, yet like myself? How do I continue improving myself while reaching a a point of contentment? How do I accept myself as imperfect?
What I know for sure is that, as time passes, I generally like who I am less and less. Sometimes for genuinely valid reasons, and other times just because I seem to have trapped myself in a web of self-hatred which I do not seem to know how to escape.
Should I ever figure out how to be content with myself, maybe I'll find the joy I'm seeking. I currently can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I suppose that, for now, I'll just have to keep on looking for it.
