Yesterday was quite a dark day for me when processing my family member's potential and likely diagnosis. Even though it's likely to have an excellent prognosis, we won't know with more certainty for some time.
While looking out the window yesterday, I saw sheets and spots of sunny gold draped over a bunch of houses, trees, roads, and our local harbor. My mind saw darkness. In that moment, it was as if it refused to process any inherent happiness and life that was present in the world.
Even in my own darkest moments of depression, I have never experienced anything quite like it.
It was essential that I make myself comply with the accountability list that I had written about yesterday, and I'm quite glad that I did.
Meditation yesterday was a serious trip. About 70% of the thoughts running through my mind were about the family member, 20% were random images that slipped through my mind, and 10% were focused on the harbor waves which I aimed to visualize. I suppose 10% is far better than nothing!
My exercise was bolstered by a sense of anger that my family member has to go through all of this, and the toll that it would take upon those helping him (except for me). The anger did drive some of my difficult, final repetitions. It turned out to be an outstanding outlet.
Drawing was nice, as always, but this time covered by a mind fog for... well, obvious reasons. Art still ends up being a wonderful use of time as I am able to express my emotions through hand onto paper.
Spending time watching TV with family was also a great thing to do, although it was also somewhat blunted compared to the past couple of weeks. Nevertheless, it provided some fun distraction from a highly stressful day.
Additionally, I ended up spending less total time on the internet and phone than the prior day.
Today, I felt slightly more optimistic. My mind did not visualize the darkness as it did yesterday. It nearly allowed a little bit of joy to edge its way in. Although I do not feel joyful at the moment, little by little, I must open the door to let more come in. I've had a handful of times over the past few years that I briefly opened the door to joy, and I fully intend to increase this over time.
I miss positivity, I truly do.
