When I think of what makes me sad, I immediately think of my parents. It has been over five years since I last saw them and that is by choice. The choice is mutual, they choose to receive money from me instead of patching up the relationship and making things fair. And making things fair also means accepting my wife.
What is most sad about it is to realize that your own parents choose to use you financially for the last five years. That is sad, it turned my beliefs in life upside down. I always believed that the only people you can trust is your family, those closest to you. This belief no longer applies to my parents.
This story began many years ago, I came to America permanently when I was nineteen years old. I came on my own and studied in the university for which I paid by working in USA and scholarships, I didn't take any money from my parents for it. The year was 1996...
When I bought my first home in 2001 I was already working for a consulting company in Seattle area for a few years and I didn't take any money from my parents either. I had been married to my first wife at that time and we had a baby on the way. Few years later when our son was a couple years old I helped my parents immigrate into America.
At first my mother lived with us in our home, but she was constantly conflicting with my wife and after months of conflicts and after she got her first job in America she decided to live separately from us in a small apartment nearby.
A little more time went by and my father came to America from Ukraine. He sold his business and brought some money with him at that time we decided together as a family that it would make sense to buy a bigger home for my young family and have them live our first home. They invested 26% into the new home in return I signed and agreement where they get that percentage as an interest in our new home.
All was good and fair at the time. Then unfortunately my first wife decided to leave and left our son with me while she moved to New York and later back to California. At that time during divorce I had to pay half of our assets to be exact 55% to my first wife in the form of case, which required me to max out my loan taking capacity after draining savings and selling stock holdings. The year was 2007 and very close to the cycle top in stocks and housing market before the crash of 2008.
Divorce was really challenging financially so we as a family made a decision that my parents move in with me and help with taking care of our small boy while I was working. Naturally I paid the mortgages and bills on both homes. I had to rent out our first home to make things work.
I was working hard and after a few years and going through hard times during the Great Recession with values of my properties dropping below the loan amounts on them I did manage to get back into a pretty good financial position again. Then my mother made her case that she really needs implants so that she looks good and can get a better job. Looking back it sounds ridiculous, but at the time I felt good about my parents helping out with our son and I agreed to pay for around $100,000 cost of that dental procedure.
At the same time I started looking to build another family. I must say that my parents were to put it mildly not very helpful with that endeavor. After a while it became clear that I would not be able to build any new relationships while living in the same house with them. So in 2012 I bought another home and moved there with my twelve year old son. But even living 40 plus miles apart they continued interfering in my personal affairs under the excuse that as my mother put it: "We will not let you make the same mistake as you did with your first wife"
And mind you during this whole time I was paying mortgages on both homes, parents never paid anything but the utility bills for the home they lived in once I moved to another home.
Finally around 2016 I thought I found my next life partner, a good and hard working lady originally from Ukraine who also lived in Seattle area. After some time dating we moved in together and I proposed to her. And that is when the real problems started. My mother would still show up in my new home and would voice her displeasure about everything, for example she didn't like where we put the trash can in the kitchen, the trash can was too big, the dog that she brought was pooping in the wrong places in our yard, etc.
They also started turning my son against her end eventually precipitated a conflict between her and my son. They totally sabotaged my efforts to build a family. Eventually they found a loophole to exploit the weakness my fiancé had and I have agreed to their request to leave her alone to sign over the home they had 26% interest in completely over to them. I agreed to keep her out of trouble, unfortunately the damage was done and the relationship went south and we never married.
I went through a very tough time during that break up and was ready to give up on my idea of building another family. And then I met my current wife! She is an amazing lady, originally from one of the Soviet Republics, she was more than I would have ever expected. She is beautiful, smart, kind and way more accomplished career wise than I am.
We took things slow, she was in no rush and I was very careful knowing my parents can pose a major threat to a new relationship. We had our children meet much later when we felt that we are ready for that step. By that time I forgave my parents and thought that would love my new choice, I couldn't be more wrong...
One thing that I did right is that I listened to my wise lady and agreed to leave my dream home and take my son and move in her home. Of course my parents couldn't pass the opportunity for a big financial score once again... They argued really hard to move into my dream home and even agreed to pay half of the mortgage on it. At the same time they converted the home they used to live into a very profitable short term rental, which I helped them do both physically as in moving furniture and with listing and marketing it all while trying to build my new family.
It was a wise decision to live in my future wife's house, because they could no longer just show up and interfere. But they managed to do that remotely anyway... One of their intrigues resulted in offending my new fiancé and I asked my mother to apologize she would not. They continued interfering in my personal affairs and causing strain in my new relationship. I decided that I had enough of it and set a wedding date. My mother tried to talk me out of it, she even said "Don't Marry Her!"
I wouldn't listen, they said that they will stop paying their half of mortgage trying to put more strain on me financially, I said fine. I personally came to them and asked them to apologize to my future wife and to come to my wedding. They refused both. We both called them asking to come to our wedding they refused once again. We said just come we reserve your spots at a wedding dinner and ceremony all was paid for them and they never came...
Fast forward five years. I have not seen or talked to them in five years and am paying for their living in my home while they continue renting out their home as short term rental. They are travelling all over the world, London, Dubai, cruises from Europe to America, etc. While my wife had to give up on her high power corporate career due to a health issue. Being a very strong individual she made a complete career change and is building her small business working part time. The only reason she has to work is because a huge chunk of my salary is going to pay for the home that I own but my parents live in. I can kick them out, but we just don't want to open that can of worms... It is worth to me to be paying my own parents to keep peace in my new family.
I am very happy in my new family, but I feel terrible that I cannot fully provide for my family. It makes me really sad that my parents are exploiting me financially and value money more than the relationship with me. That is what makes me sad.
Note: All images in this post were taken by me, except my childhood portrait that was taken by my father.
