I use Meetup.com because of its population and popularity. I named the group "Emotional Intelligence Play Group" because I wanted a large umbrella title that is general enough to allow for flexibility and growth. Given there were not many – if any – meetup groups in Austin that were related to emotional intelligence, the group became the beneficiary of many searches. The group, so far, has been mostly about learning and practicing empathy. A reason I included “play” in the title is because I want to convey that I tend to take a light-hearted approach. This also gives me an easy defense in the case of someone choosing to take humor personal or otherwise being dissatisfied with the nature of the meetup not being as serious as they had hoped.
In the beginning, I dreamed up a different topic for every week. After a couple years of that, I kept the topic the same for weeks or months at a time. In those cases, the topic would be general, like "Practical Empathy Practice & Play", for example. As of June 2021, in Austin we have over 2000 members. https://www.meetup.com/Austin-emotional-intelligence//.
Shout out of appreciation and recognition: During most of 2017, while I was in Mexico running an EQ group in Acapulco, Adrian Paulino kept the Austin group going. When I returned to Austin, he kept running events under my umbrella group while I chose a different day of the week for mine, so we began to offer at least two days a week that people could practice empathy for free.
I'm getting ahead of myself, so let's start at the beginning.
Connection – I've seen much connection and many friendships occur during and from this group.
Growth – Have you heard the saying, "We teach what we need to learn?" It certainly fit me! We all grow in our understanding of EQ, our acceptance of self and others' behavior, and our height. OK. Maybe study of EQ doesn't make us taller, but it will certainly influence how you judge yourself!
Stimulation – We learn and grow together. We speculate and play with ideas. We have fun "going deep" on topics around EQ.
If you are thinking of starting your own group, here are two important questions:
Do you want to create/provide more connection for like–minded individuals and/or do you want to get your needs for meaning and/or purpose met by spreading the use of empathy?
The answer to this question is important! There will most likely be times along this path where you feel discouraged or frustrated where reminding yourself what you are getting for the energy and time you expend may make the difference between persistence and quitting. This can also reduce the amount of resentment that can build when your members’ behavior does not fit your hopes and expectations.
If you are going to build a group, let's set some expectations and talk about some of the challenges you may encounter.
In the beginning you may feel awkward sitting at a table by yourself waiting for strangers who might not show up. If that scares you, maybe you can find a friend who will accompany you to meetings until momentum builds. You could also choose to use this as an opportunity for growth where you work through the discomfort of being alone at a public place. You could even – gasp – use the NVC empathy formula on yourself!
Some self–empathy [thinking to self]:
Observations: "What is happening? I'm sitting at a table alone. I told the waiter that three will be joining me at 7pm. It is 7:15pm and no one has shown up yet."
Feelings: "How do I feel? Embarrassed and worried no one will show up."
Values–needs: "What needs are under those feelings? Respect, consideration, and predictability."
Bootstrapping takes time. Your mileage may vary, depending on your location. You can choose to see it as an exercise in patience.
For some it can be scary to meet new people, especially if safety and predictability are important to you. Again, I recommend self–empathy. Also, one way to look at this situation is as a relatively safe experience you can use to strengthen your values for acceptance, variety, challenge, and courage. Another way to look at it: This practice can increase your emotional resilience.
Do you worry that someone will come into your meeting and speak in a way that increases difficulty for you to keep order, emotional safety, intimacy, learning, growth, or truth?
This is going to happen. Some things to keep in mind that may help:
– You don’t have to know or have an answer for everything.
– It can be tempting to completely “flatten” the organization of the group so there is no leader or everyone has an equal say. I’ve tried this. It doesn’t work. Don’t waste your time or reduce the confidence the group has in you. I’ve heard enough times from members thanking me for “taking charge,” “interrupting that long boring story,” “giving direction,” etc. that I now feel 100% confident in being the leader.
That said, you can add much variety, depth, knowledge, and respect–for–you to the group by allowing and encouraging others to answer for you when asked a question. It could mean you or some other speculating on some subtopic where you say, “Hmmm I find myself wondering what Jimbob thinks of that?” or “I have ideas on this but I really want to hear what any of you think.” Invite participation!
That leads to encouraging connection between group members. This is an area I lean toward making space for it to happen organically. And/or pairing people up into groups of 2, 3, 4, etc.
Host a meeting every week or every two weeks. Each frequency has pros and cons.
Meet after work hours and evening. 6:30pm or 7:00pm is a good start time. Expect some to show up early and some to show up late. Have a plan for how to deal with both. In the group's description, I make it very clear exactly how all situations will be dealt with, even including the difference between showing up 15 to 30 minutes late vs. an hour or more late. Why would those last two situations be handled differently? Here's an excerpt from the group's description:
Folks are welcome to pop in any time, for any amount of time, starting anywhere between 7pm to 7:15pm. Warning that if you show up after 7:15pm, while we may want to catch you up, time may not allow. Scott usually gets there early to find a good spot and chat with early–comers. PLEASE RSVP. Leave when you want. If no one RSVPs or if no one shows up by 7:30pm, there is no guarantee Scott will show up or stick around. The cafe closes at 10pm. From 9pm to 10pm, if we stay that late, we'll have open discussion and/or more intimate empathy practice. If you want to be part of this, show up at least before 7:45pm so we can get to know you. It can be hard for some to feel comfortable and safe sharing personal issues with strangers.
You may want to be careful hosting the regular meetup on a weekend day; Generally, people have lots of activities or just pure rest planned for weekends and you may take a big hit on attendance.
Finally, consistency matters! Over the years I’ve seen attendance drop off every time I switched the day or time, even when making sure to inform members of the change.
Do not use your house or backyard. use a public place with other people so people feel comfortable and safe. You can totally invite people from the meetup to a Backyard BBQ or game night though!
Do not host in bars. Alcohol is up to the individual but I suggest not making the meetup about drinking.
Choose quiet–as–possible venues. The point is to interact and chat. No live band venues, places with loud music, or so many people that you have to yell to be heard.
– Coffee shops
– Cafes
– Book stores with patios and coffee ;)
– Restaurants with patios (weather dependent) can be awesome to sit at.
Pick an affordable spot.
Try for a spot where the group can all be at the same table.
For some venues: make reservations with enough time for the venue to prepare and reserve space for your group. If your venue require this, it's helpful to remind people to RSVP if they want a chair.
Reserve two spots over the RSVP count. Your mileage may vary.
Take time when you first show up to chat with them if they seem to be open to this and they are not super busy. Go out of your way to be considerate, tip well, and buy at least something from them, as they are providing a free space for you to occupy! Encourage the same from your members. Contribute to cleaning up after yourself. Be aware of how loud your group is and how it affects nearby tables. When the event is over, be sure to thank the people who work there. Consideration goes a long way and will improve the experience for everyone.
Satisfy special dietary needs or preferences when convenient. Don't sacrifice any of the above for the sake of this one. People can eat beforehand or bring their own food if important to them. Same for general food quality – it need only be serviceable – the purpose of the evening is the people. There are other meetup groups for foodies.
It's important for members to RSVP on the meetup site so that your meetup appears more active. This will assist in getting new visitors. And you will most likely find not as many will RSVP as you would like. Choose to see these people, rather than “flakes” or some other evaluation, as opportunities for you to practice self empathy and empathy for them.
SHOW UP TO EVERY MEETUP unless you have a dependable stand–in. If you can't show up and you don't have a substitute, cancel the meetup as far in advance as possible. You do not want a new person to arrive to find no one there. They may never return. If you are able to determine that this happens and have their contact information – this is where using meetup.com comes in handy – message them with an effusive apology and empathize with them.
Early on it will be helpful to have one or two topic suggestions in mind for the evening. This will help kick off the discussions that will keep people returning. Eventually this will be less necessary but will still be good from time to time. Do not force it; go with the flow of the group.
The group will develop its own personality. Expect it. Let it happen.
Start with introductions. Ask people to introduce themselves and share why they are there.
Just like with date and time, people get used to showing up at a consistent location, so be mindful when changing the location. Be sure to inform everyone and especially your regulars. This can be a way to quickly lose members.
That said, this will be necessary from time to time and maybe even rejuvenating. Venues close down, service quality changes, members suggest other spots (Be open to this! Make a note in front of them so they see you are taking them seriously), or you may personally tire of a location. Remember why you are doing this whole thing. It's important to ask yourself, "Am I enjoying this? What parts do I enjoy most and which parts am I feeling frustrated or annoyed by? Am I growing from this?" Here are some ideas on that:
In my practice, the first thing that comes to mind is when people show up without RSVPing. I like to calmly share with them the reasons why RSVPing is important to me, including:
– My needs for ease and efficacy are met when I can accurately know how many tables to push together or which part of the cafe to set up at.
– I feel warm and fuzzy when my values for consideration and respect are met when people take the time to do the RSVP thing.
– I want growth and sustainability for the group. I imagine when new potential attendees are looking at the event online, if they see few or no RSVPs, may think to themselves, "I don't want to be the only one there," or “This group doesn’t seem very popular, maybe for a reason.” Remember: Many – maybe most – are looking for connection and stimulation, as well as the growth you may hope they are there for.
People get used to seeing where the meetup is in the notifications. Even people that have never been. Some will not notice the change. While at the event, keep the meetup app open and check it for notifications and messages from lost people.
Do not let it become a democratic process. You know what is best. Listen to feedback and to the needs of the group and then make the decision yourself.
Encourage attendees to bring friends, room–mates, lovers, co–workers, aliens from Alpha Centauri, and relatives.
Bring a banner or sign for your table. This has at least two benefits, including: (a) Easier for new members to find you; and (b) It may spark the curiosity of passers–by. In regards to new members finding you, many times I've noticed someone looking around the cafe, looking at me, looking at their phone, but either never approaching or waiting until a sizable enough group has developed before they are sure enough that it is the group they are looking for.
Pay attention to how you dress and smell.
Pimp your meetup as often and everywhere you can.
Get a business–card made with information about the meetup. It is important that you have a centralized presence that all events can be found at; whether it be your personal web page and/or meetup.com. Best not to put event dates, times, or places on the card. Think card sustainability in that you don’t want to have to reprint 500 cards every time you make some change to specific events.
Sometimes certain topics can become recurrent and dominate, which may reduce members' enjoyment. Debates can be fun and instructive but the core value of the group is the people and relationships. Conflicts can be an opportunity to practice Practical Empathy! Re–read the chapter in this book on mediation if necessary.
An alternative is to ask people to take it "offline".
Let's say a cognitive therapist is eager to share their knowledge with the group. You may have a plan for that meeting. If the plan is not too set in stone – I counsel that it be the case – you can encourage the therapist to share their thoughts. This kind of situation will occur, so you might as well prepare yourself as to how you will handle it.
Be sure at the beginning of your encouragement to them that you make it clear you value brevity and maybe even that the group is there to learn about a specific topic.
Use the situation as an opportunity to practice and demonstrate your EQ skills. What need is the therapist wanting to get met? Some potential ones: connection, contribution, meaning, recognition, to be seen and heard, respect, learning, and growth. If they are indeed there to learn or grow, it will probably go easier. If they are there for connection, contribution, meaning, recognition, to be seen or heard, or respect, it might be a bit more of a challenge for you. Choose to see this is a way to increase your knowledge and resilience! Handled well, this will also increase the respect you get from the group.
My recommendation for those cases is that you begin by giving them some recognition. Be as clinical or as street as you feel fits the situation. "I am feeling impressed by how much you know about cognitive psychology! I'm also curious to learn about this. Is it accurate to say you feel eager to share your knowledge with the group?"
Sometimes this can be a great learning experience for everyone, especially you as the leader of the group. If handled correctly, you will learn from them while practicing and showing flexibility and generosity. Remember, you are the time keeper and protector of fairness for the group. Often, if given some recognition, the "expert" will back off and go back into learning mode.
What if they continue to use the group's time to teach their topic or you notice them dragging every conversation away from the topic or challenging PEQ so much that it side tracks the subject everyone came to study? Gently share your perspective with them. You may need to get comfortable with interrupting others, which is useful for many aspects of leading a group.
Depending on what is happening, here are a couple things you may want to say:
"What I see happening here is like: We are here to study French and you are stimulating debate of the pros and cons of French or even proposing we study Spanish."
Or
"I see you have knowledge of a related topic. I imagine many here are curious to know more. At the same time, I feel protective of the group’s time and interest in the topic advertised, so I wonder if this is something you can keep brief?"
As a last resort: Obviously, if someone becomes a threat of some kind, then ban them from the meetup.com or [your favorite social media platform] groups and ask them to not return. When possible, handle conflicts "offline" 1 on 1. Remember: you are not a parent and definitely should not meddle or participate in drama or try to micromanage the relationships that develop in the group.
Encourage hangouts that aren't "official" meetup events. Your members will want to hang out at other times and participate in other activities. This can be enriching for all! Especially, for those who's primary purpose for attending is connection or play.
If you really want EQ to spread, the meetup can be home base for the community with people going off and doing other things on their own. You do not necessarily need to be the host of or involved in these other events. Work on developing a sense for this. It might be an opportunity for you to get better at not taking it personal when Jim and Sally want an excuse to hang out and get to know each other better in a different environment.
A request you may be tempted to ask of members may be for them not to schedule events that conflict with the primary weekly meetup night, which can split your membership. I recommend a more "wait and see" attitude here. In my experience, this is obvious to most people. Let go of your needs for predictability and safety.
Add cool activities as you go. Some ideas:
– Miniature golf.
– Movie night. This can be to just enjoy watching a film together or you actively practice your PEQ skills by pausing the film whenever a member wants to analyze any part through the lens of EQ.
For any of the above activities, be sure to take the temperature of the group in regard to how much the group will be practicing PEQ while doing the activity. In other words, is the goal of the experience to be more about play and connecting or learning and growth?
