The journey begins,
solitary wanderer.
Always look forward
Above is the haiku and photo I posted on my instagram account, the day my uncle was buried last September 27, 2023. Uncle Johnson had always been independent and lived a bachelor's life, very much dedicated to his job as an Electrical Engineer. I eventually lived with him in Quezon City for more than a decade after coming back from my 3 year stint abroad. He was my mom's younger brother, but with the amount of time living together makes him like my 2nd dad.
He has been very used to taking care of himself alone and has been always a private person. I was a witness to his independence and resiliency. He was able to conquer his 1st cancer battle; been in remission since around 2015. However, as they say, cancer is unpredictable and eventually reintroduced itself in the form of sarcoma starting October 2022. Fighting cancer the 2nd time around at a senior age is definitely no joke.
I have accompanied my uncle on several immunotherapy/chemo sessions up until his doctor suggested last July to prepare and focus on palliative care (no more aggressive treatment). Being a witness to this all has really been physically, mentally and emotionally draining. For more than a year, my uncle didn't want to inform the rest of our family (living in the province).
While we were preparing for the inevitable, it was really uncertain when is the exit or how it would be. First major sign of when his health spiraled down was when he could no longer drive. While trying to park at home, for some reason, he may have lost his bearings and accidentally accelerated in reverse hitting neighbor's solid wall. Thank God no one got hurt and it was only the car that got damaged. Of course I had to handle the scene, have it towed and handle the insurance claims. The damage was declared as a total loss.
.
.
.
Initially, the Sarcoma was a bit manageable as the cancer cells are located externally and all we had to do was clean it up regularly and hope chemo sessions would just zap it away. The biggest challenge turned out to be how to manage its bleeding. I was put into a lot of DIY medical emergency situations, where bleeding has been my day-to-day foe. Huge respect to those in the medical field, handling life & death situations all the time. Imagine the need to be always present-minded, calm, composed, quick thinker and well-prepared.
Things became harder and harder on my end considering I also need to focus on my work. While the Work-from-Home situation helped a lot giving me flexibility to take care of my uncle, the frequent emergencies makes it a lot difficult. It was hard to see uncle's health worsen. His will has always been strong, unfortunately his body is no longer fully cooperating. This is when I had to call my mom and aunt and plan continuing his care at home(or hospital) in the province. At least, I would no longer be the only family member at his side.
As soon as we were able to make arrangements for the hospital transfer from Pasig (Medical City) to Baguio (SLU Sacred Heart), I packed up my things and drove my car to Baguio, few hours lagging behind the ambulance. It was actually even my first long distance night drive, coming from a stressful hospital week, I had to battle drowsiness on the road. I think I arrived around 3am, and only then I was informed that uncle passed away while being triaged in the ER prior to admission. My mom and aunt was there upon admission. All we can just think of is that maybe once he realized he got back in Benguet, that's the time he set himself free.
Taking care of a loved one who is critically ill definitely takes a lot of commitment and sacrifice. Looking back, I was with my uncle at the right place and the right time. I never regret spending my time with him as I always see it as my own way of giving back; not to mention being family. Definitely the situation tested a lot of my patience and character. I am just happy that his suffering has ended and hope that he is in peace. Knowing him, I imagine him to be some sort of angel from above who will be guiding our family. Now, it is time for me to start focusing on myself.
There is some sense of freedom but at the same time newer responsibilities at hand. I will literally be living alone in Metro Manila moving forward. As I am trying to reorganize myself in terms of goals/plans, I do have lots of projects already in mind. The challenge really is on how to keep the momentum and finish what I have started. I guess my message to myself is just to keep on exploring and experiencing new things.
2023 has teached me a lot of things. I can say that it was really a difficult year for me. This means there really is no other reason but to look forward to what 2024 will bring. I am excited yet cautious as I'm not getting any younger. I feel like there will be a lot more crossroads and difficult decisions I have to make as part of #adulting. I guess I just really need to make the most of it and appreciate life better!
