I'm supposed to be having a fun weekend in Paris, but it looks like I won't be leaving my hotel room, and instead just sit here for the duration of my trip.
My mom's been battling with cancer problems for a while now, but she always kept a strong face and kept convincing me that everything is better than they actually were.
Today, I was made aware by my grandmother that her cancer is much worse than she ever let on.
She's battling with what I believe is called a metastatic tumor, and while it can be treated, it can't be cured.
She's going to die.
I've had a difficult relationship with my mother for a long time, but recently, through all the hardship, I finally felt like I have a mother again. I thought she was going to pull through and we can finally be stronger together as a result.
Now Im going to have to get used to the idea of not having a mother, at all.
It absolutely pains me that I've wasted the relationship with my one and only mother because of stupid, petty arguments and disagreements.
It also pains me that I haven't been more strict about he fact that I never wanted her to smoke - hell, I've smoked with her, basically giving all of what's happening right now an okay. What kind of a son does that.
When my girlfriend died five years ago, me and my mom weren't on good terms, and I was alone and now that my mom's dying, my girlfriend's gone already, so I'm going through all of this alone, again.
Am I a bad person if I selfishly feel that I'm tired of all the dying? I'm not the one dying, but I childishly think that I'm just sick of all this.
I also feel horrible for the fact that my mom's life never really turned out the way she would have wanted; my father was abusive, they divorced, and then she wasted her life in another bad relationship that she wasn't able to get out for a long time.
Only recently she got together with a former co-worker who loves her very much, and they used to be close, but she rejected him for my stepdad who never appreciated my her in any substantial way. It was so weird to finally see her happy, I don't think I had ever before seen her happy. She was a different person.
I have no idea how she manages to keep such a strong face through all of this. You could never tell something's wrong. I'm much more negative towards everything in life, and I'm in a good spot. Sure, I'm alone, but at least I'm rich and healthy. She's not even that.
I haven't been able to really go through these emotions, even though secretly I've known that something like this would be a realistic possibility. It's just that worrying about this would have meant visioning myself attending my mom's funeral, and I rejected it. Until today when I finally envisioned, realized that it's probably going to happen soon, and just broke down. Years and years worth of tears just flowed through and I went through all the mistakes made in our relationship between us.
Now I'm not even sure how I should react when I see her.
Should just break down and hug her, risking breaking her down? Should I just keep strong, just like she is, and not think about it? I honestly don't know.
I fucking hate the fact that this is already the second damn time I'm going through these questions.
I just want to say to everyone reading that appreciate your parents. Love them. If you're having disagreements, try to work them out. Your parents are the only parents you'll have. Never take them for granted. You should never take anyone for granted anyway.
You'll never know what may happen.
I'll try to remain strong for my mom. This whole post turned out bad, but I'm not capable of much more right now.
I'm at least thankful for the fact that she's still here for a while, so I have time to love her before she goes.
But seriously, just love the people close to you. I've been through this once already, I know for a fact that sometimes we lose them in an instance.
I'd actually like for people to resteem this; just to get people to tell their parents and other loved ones that "Hey, I love you and appreciate the fact that you're in my life right now".
If people do that, this post was worth it.
