I decided a while ago that I would like to talk about some taboo topics every now and then that nobody really wants to talk about. These will mostly be ramblings of experience, possibly advice, and for the most part totally transparent.

Yesterday I went to a funeral, my uncles, the second uncle to die within the last 12 months and it felt like a good time for me to post on the topic of death, and touch on the blessing of time. By time I mean a diagnosis, knowing for certain, that a loved one is going to die. While sometimes it feels as if it is dragging on forever, knowing ahead of time lets you prepare, it lets you say the things you need to say, do the things you need to do.

You may be wondering why I am talking about this I am not yet 30 and most people my age have not experienced it that much. I can say I have experienced plenty. My first loved one passed when I was 16, it was my great uncle. He was like my dad at the time, he drove me to my first homecoming, he was one of my best friends. A few years later one of my best highschool friends passed too soon at the age of 18. The month before I was married both my grandmother and grandfather passed (my mothers parents) then an aunt. shortly after my great grandmother passed, and later my great grandfather. Christmas of 2016 my father passed, a few months later the uncle that helped take care of my dad passed, and then this last week another passed. I

I believe that is a total of 10...

Keep in mind none of these people mentioned are distant relatives in my family. They were all people I knew, people I spent time with, people I made memories with, not some distant person I never met but heard of.

I know death. I know it well.

However, on this topic, I have no advice, I have no tricks, I have no secret way to cope. It doesn't get easier with each new one, it only gets slightly more predictable. Whatever you need to do to cope healthily, do it. Cry, yell, vent, write, sing, paint, draw, pray, talk, joke. Do it, let it out. It will be different for everyone, for each new time.

My dad playing with my boys

Of the deaths I have experienced, two have stood out the most to me, two shook me to my core. The first was my friend from highschool, the 17 year old. When I got the call I was at work, and immediately went home, the whole time holding back tears, thinking. I knew he was sick, I knew it was serious, but I did not recognize the fact that he could actually pass soon. I knew he was sick, and failed to spend time with him, I didn't go visit, I didn't call, I did nothing. I let too much time pass and it was too late. This was my greatest learning experience. It has been a mistake that I have yet to make again, and pray I never will.

If you take one thing away from this I pray it is this

When you know someone has limited time, no amount of time spent is too little, there is no such thing as too many phone calls

The second death to break me was my father. His situation was different. He had been sick since 2001 with chronic pain in his intestine that no doctor/specialist could diagnose. In 2015 he had 3 strokes one after another in an hour, and was diagnosed with leukemia. For years I have been preparing for his death, and even more so the last few. Although I spent all the time I possibly could with him, made so many memories, had so many good time, and made sure I had no regrets... I still wasn't ready. Nothing could have prepared me for it. The difference it made however was that I had no regrets later. I know I did all I could, I know that I was there for him.

Time doesn't help with the pain, but it helps with the regrets

Right now I know that my grandpa (moms stepdad) is on borrowed time. He was given 9-18 months to live 2.5 years ago, and more recently was given about 6 months to live. He was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer out of the blue, but luckily we were blessed with more time with him. Right now, he is top priority on my list of family to spend time with.

I don't know why I have experienced so much death so fast, but I know I have been able to reach out to my cousins as their fathers have passed. I have been able to be a listening ear for those who mourn. As much as it hurts to go through so much, in a way it has uniquely equipped me to be a good friend to those who are hurting, and that to me is valuable.

Sorry for rambling so much. I don't feel as if this post is very focused, or written well at all... just kind of a rambled collection of thought, I may add/edit this over the next few days as I remember things

How do you cope?
What have you learned?