So when we mention "Growth" topic, usually what would appear in our mind is ideological maturity instead of physical growth of our bodies, flesh or cells. That was also the thing had come to me the moment I read this week's prompt, yet I have the feeling I am going through a sentimental crisis somehow, a few weeks after I assumed I had grown.
I have been hiding my emotions for the whole time, ever since some of my familiar ones rejected my open-up. Maybe I have problems in considering someone could ever be my accompany, or maybe I have problems in distinguish my instinct and my desires. Even now I am writing, I can not make it clear to you what my true emotions are since it gets me feel like I am acting in a childish way, trying to lower my spirit to catch attention at the same time troubling people with my own feelings. At least, that was what I have been sensing for many current years.
My consciousness keeps telling that I should have thrown all of those problematic issues aside, should have stepped away as soon as I realized things had never been like how I thought of. Yet my subconsciousness, every night, brings me into dreamland where those almost possibilities turning to absolute possibilities. Those dreams got me wonder if it was my ability to predict things or just simply my hallucination taking the initiative over my mind. Still, I can not deny the kind of love filling me day by day by thanks to those nocturnal experiences, I wish to find an exit, however. It has become too easy for me to act pathetically according to my oblivious grieves, although it has always been struggling to keep comforting myself with the common speech: "That's okay, things would be alright. It's just not the right time yet, so don't rush." Inside calls me a voice, but it can not satisfy my question whether it is not the right time for the dreams to be real or the right time for me to wake up already passed by.
I feel it so often and how I wish I would have not started this situation, how I wish I would have keep on my guard a little longer to figure out even I put down my guard, no one would love to discover what was lying under that rusted amour. And deep within me, I know that was a thing I must have done for my fate, I am currently confused with its result, what will come to me after all these things? Am I ready enough to accept it? I meant, maybe it would come once I make up my mind, wouldn't it? I am so shaking right now in my soul, as a turmoil made from fear, hesitance, despair, impatience, and aspiration. Whatever, I am not a saint. But I am trying to live more differently than ordinary ones usually do, would it be okay?
Tomorrow is my important day, so I will write down here all the thoughts I have carried so that I would be free for tomorrow.
They are afraid of losing me but never try to hold me back.
Is this what is called "situationship"?
Will my dreams always be dreams? I have taken actions, however, some are just not meant to be.
Since they don't try to know me, they don't love me, do they?
Being like this is irritating, when I can't even hate the thought of being drawn to you.
At the end of the day, does that mean I have to live the life of a lonesome?
Let me know when you no longer need me.
I hope what you said, you meant it. Truly meant it. Not using me for covering the missing of that feeling.
I am still praying every day, I hope you are still doing well.
では、これで終わる。
