I woke up this morning, 11th May 2023, around 6.25 am. And I didn't go back to sleep. That's unusual for me as although I am a night owl, I LOVE my sleep!!! During the working week, I will hit that snooze button at least twice, each time eyeing my phone with one eye half open, one fully shut, in an effort to stay as asleep as possible. On weekends I can sleep forever! But this morning the sun was shining and I felt alive. My thoughts turned to my Mom and I smiled. It's her birthday today... so the first thing I did was say a prayer for her and wish her a beautiful day. Then I picked up my phone and caught up on some overnight messages.

I have been away from Hive for a few weeks dealing with some off-chain stuff... you know the stuff that life is made of... the kinda stuff that throws you a wobbly and knocks you off centre. The kinda stuff that makes most people want to pick up the phone and call... Mom. Well, it did... it made me want to pick up the phone... but these days the connection is a bit more tenuous and long distance... and I have to listen very carefully if I want to hear her answers echoing back to me across the years.

Today may be my Mom's birthday... her 76th to be exact, but the 27th April just gone was the 4th anniversary of her passing. So it's been a bittersweet past few weeks for me. The crazy thing is, that for me, my Mom died Saturday 27th April 2019... but her death certificate states Sunday 28th April 2019... as she lived in South Africa at the time (timezones, hey?), so sometimes I refer to 27th, others the 28th...

I will never forget the evening that she passed away. I was at a local pub restaurant enjoying a meal out with some of the Moms from my eldest's class at Primary school. It was getting later in the evening, the meal was finished, and the conversation took a strange turn to a discussion of parents dying suddenly. One of my friends had lost her dad the year before and she was sharing her experience of it. Suddenly, I went cold... I felt detached from the conversation; like a fly on the wall watching myself and the others at the table. I felt incredibly melancholic and just wanted the evening to end. I was giving another friend a lift home so I sat quietly and politely for another half hour until everyone was ready to go and then we said our goodbyes and headed off. When I walked in the door at home it was just going on 11 pm. My hubby was still awake and sitting in the lounge. I made a cup of tea and took a seat on the sofa next to the one he was seated on.

11.15 pm...

And then my phone rang...

I turned it over and saw my Dad's number... and I just knew.

It was a difficult call for him to have to make and he also then asked me to break the sad news to my brother and sister, as he couldn't bare another phone call like this one. I sat there stung by grief, crying inconsolably for about five minutes with my husband... and then I had to pull myself together and decide who to call, as my brother and sister lived together. I chose to call my brother, knowing that he would find it easier to hear over the phone than my sister would, and knowing that he could then relay the news to my sister in person and be there for her.

Over the years I have written a few things about my Mom that I'd like to share here in her memory... some of it has been shared on other web 2 social media sites before but I will attempt to pull it together as cohesively as possible.

Less than 24 hours since I had picked up the phone to my dad... I found myself writing the following love letter to my Mom.

To my darling Mommy,

You filled my childhood with love, laughter, a belief that the universe had bigger plans for all of us, and dreams to last a lifetime. You supported everything I have ever done, often sacrificing for me, more than I realised at the time. You gave me the freedom to pursue adventure and the courage to carve my own path in life.

You have been my mommy, my best friend, my mentor, and a constant inspiration. I will always look back on our marathon Scrabble games that went long into the night with the greatest fondness.

You nurtured in me a love for languages and the Arts and a lifetime love for learning. I will always treasure our many talks and discussions on life the universe and everything, including water! You helped me in so many ways and shared your wisdom, your knowledge, and your love so freely with all who knew and loved you.

Most of all, you lived life on your terms. You were brave and loyal to your truth and I will always admire you for that. My heart is broken and I am so incredibly sad that where you once were, is now a big empty hole in my life that can never be filled. I am just so incredibly grateful to have spent time with you so recently. I truly felt close to you in an incredibly special way. I will never get over your loss but I will be brave and get through it. I will hold you in my heart forever. I love you, Mommy. Sleep peacefully now and fly high with the angels❤

I had last seen my Mom just a month before on a whirlwind trip to South Africa with my brother. We had both wanted to go out to see our parents and had been dithering between going in March or May of that year. March the weather is nicer, May was both of their birthdays. I was leaning towards May in order to celebrate their birthdays as we had not done so together as a family for some time, and my sister was already booked to go out in May. My brother, however, had a sense of unease and told me that he felt a more pressing need to move the journey up to March. He couldn't explain it, he just felt like it needed to be sooner... I believe in listening to that little BIG voice inside when it comes calling and so we both headed out in March 2019 to spend a week with our parents. A week where we loved on them, and sorted out a few important things for them. When we left at the end of that visit, we said our goodbyes and got into our hire car to make our way back to the airport. But I was then overcome by a need to get out of the car and run back into the house to give my Mom another hug. I just had this deep sense that this goodbye was going to be more final... I am so grateful that I also listened to that little BIG voice. I ran indoors and wrapped my arms around her. I held her tight and told her how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her. We held each other for a little while. She cried. I cried. And then I walked out the door... and although we exchanged a few messages and had a few calls in the weeks that followed before she passed, I never saw my Mom again.

On the evening of 29th April 2019, my brother, sister, and I took a flight together from London to South Africa to be with our Dad.

My sister and I shared a Queen size bed while we were in South Africa. We lay awake talking each night, crying together. It was cathartic. Outside of being with my Dad and my siblings, there was one person who saw me through the pain of my Mom's loss, and that was a very dear family friend whom my Mom had met through work. Shaleen messaged me every day that I was in South Africa and even when we flew home a few weeks later, she continued to check up on me and send me little words of inspiration and love. In the weeks and months that followed, she sent me Bible verses, worship, and little poems to help me through the day.

This one, in particular, is one she shared with me very early on and it makes me cry every time I listen to it... Jealous of the Angels by the Northern Irish Celtic singer Donna Taggart.

I hope it moves you too...

My peace lies in knowing my Mom is in a better place and that one day I will see her again 💗

Here is another one that she sent me called Someone to remember me by the English Tenor, Russel Watson. I guess at the end of the day, we all hope that in the short space of time between birth and death, that we call life, we will find a true connection with a few human beings that make our hearts sing, and make the journey worthwhile.

April 27th, 2020... another love letter to my Mom...

And just like that, a year has passed without you walking on this Earth beside us all. So much has happened Mom. So many times I needed you. Your advice, your guidance, your wisdom, your love. So many times I have had to make do without being able to call you or see you. Life hasn't been the same since you left a year ago. In fact, it's been damn hard at times and I have cried many tears in heartache, in anger, in fear, in despair, and in frustration, with the curve balls I've had to face. It's been relentless and unforgiving in so many ways but it has also brought a renewed sense of appreciation for the family and special friends that grace my world. This year without your physical presence has brought to me greater clarity of the depth of gratitude, respect, and love that I have for you and that you had for us all. I video call Dad every day and our bond is so strong. I am still here, making it work, loving my family, and living with joy, because, you see, you never left me, Mom. I still see and hear you in Mark and Cath. I see you in my own reflection, I hear you in my voice, I recognise you in my actions and thoughts, and when I need you most, I still talk to you and seek your advice... and you still answer. Your love keeps on giving and I feel it constantly. I have some very special people in my life, some of whom were also your special people, and who have given me so much love, comfort, and support this past year, that I am forever grateful to them, and to you. As I write this, my tears are flowing silently down my cheeks and as I wipe them away I am reminded of one of my favourite lines from a song "Oh, I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know a heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved." Mom, I carry you in my heart always. I love you. I miss you❤

_{Supermarket Flowers - Ed Sheeran}

Then on her birthday, 11 May 2020, I shared these words to accompany a song from my favourite band, Lifehouse... From where you are...

Happy birthday Mom. I hold you always in my heart. I hear your voice daily whispering in my thoughts, I see your face in my mind's eye. I miss you and I love you💗

My brother hired a Piper for my Mom's memorial which was held at our family home in South Africa. Rohann Ludick played a beautiful selection of my Mom's favourites including Amazing Grace, The Flower of Scotland, and this beauty performed in my parent's garden...

The Skye Boat Song